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Photo by Peter Jiang

It could be the spring season, the nice weather, or just the right time, right place. Lately, my friends have been pairing up left and right. Couples have been sprouting out of LS like newly-watered daisies on a spring day. It's a nice thing to see, love all around. The feeling of having your other half, your sun on a rainy day, by your side, is one of the most beautiful things humanity offers us.

The other day at LS night's celebration dinner, everyone toasted 張宏安 and 江卓安 after he confessed his feelings in front of all 80+ people, with a bouquet of cauliflower wrapped in cellophane. I remember freshmen toasting over me, and spilling beer on my coat sleeves, which, by the way, I still don't drink. Everyone laughed, and said, "Karen, this means you're next!"

My philosophy on relationships, after two unsuccessful and immature ones in high school, is that I can't take care of another person, unless I first learn how to take care of myself. My friends laugh and tell me not to look so far ahead. But how can I love you and support you in your time of need, if I don't first learn how to love myself, and make myself worthy of your care when I need your support? A relationship is a love story, but all love stories have endings, which most people joke is marriage. What if one day we do? Love stories end quickly, and if I don't prepare myself now, I'll never be ready, not ever.

I dislike spam "lists" of things a perfect Prince Charming must have. They must kiss you on the forehead when you're sad. They must let you win fights. They must have nice eyes, nice legs, nice shoulders. Nine-packs, I don't even know. Ridiculous, all around. That's not how a love story works. It requires mutual respect on both ends, not a guy laying his coat across a puddle so you don't get your stilettos wet. Love is not supposed to be easy.

It's a really complicated, rather contradictory feeling. I can't say my heart doesn't twinge a little at the sight of my good friends together, and seeing how happy they are, I can't help but yearn for that feeling, too. But I can't move because my time isn't here yet. I know I have to wait, and do what I'm supposed to do before that time comes; the three things most important to a student, or maybe just to me: get good grades, lose weight, and learn how to become a healthier, happier, self-sufficient person. It's amazing how much willpower I make myself out to have, the way I worded the previous few sentences, but ironic, how those three things require the willpower that I do not have.

Willpower is a strong thing. And it's worth more than anything, more than regret, than pleasure, than courage.