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The little things that whiz through your mind in the last few minutes before sleep consumes you are not very little at all. For me, they've always been a whirlwind that torpedoes at top-speed across my brain, as the sheep trying to get me to sleep realize that their little fence in the little green meadow has been spun away by said tornado. Nothing is so little in my mind.

After high school I stopped talking about this, because I remember how sick love can make you, and how experience can teach you, it's not wise to rush into any sound relationship without first setting your boundaries and knowing what you want. I sound like such a little girl when I talk about love, but I would be lying through my teeth if I said I don't think about this often. One of my classmates told me that a 學長, while describing me, said he believed I wouldn't end up with someone my own age, because I'm more 成熟, and am more likely to end up with a 學長. And since then I've been re-evaluating myself.

I lay in bed every night, and the last thing that torpedoes through my mind is always this. I stare at the ceiling and clutch the covers, sometimes with my iPod linked to my ears as music flows through my earbuds. And I always wonder, why? Of all the things in the world, why is it that this is what I want most? To be loved, to be married only once, to a person to whom I will give not only my heart, but my life; to have children and raise them to be honorable members of society, to grow old, older with him, to spend the rest of my life committed to one person in all that I do.

This is my 幸福. But why do I dream of things that are so far away?

None of my posts make sense anymore.