132

Today, while waiting by the tables on the seventh floor, 陳怡靜 and I were talking and I couldn't stop trying to escape. I didn't want to stay. I wanted to leave, I felt so stupid and embarrassed and uncomfortable. But she held me back, and told me to stay.

At a lull in our conversation, I looked down at my hands. And she said...

"雙雙 其實 妳真的很漂亮。"

She took my face in both her hands and looked straight into my eyes. "Yes. Yes. You are," she said.

---

This post is, of course, not meant to be narcissistic. But I've never, not in the history of what I remember, have had anyone tell me that to my eyes, to my face, in such a sincere manner. My parents haven't even said the same thing to me. My parents told me I wasn't bad-looking. But not once has anyone told me I am 漂亮 to my face and meant it with more than the words. The times I dressed up for prom and looked like a doll for a night don't count. It was as if she was looking past the browned skin from the Taiwanese sun, past the small pimples that won't go away on my forehead, past the messy hair that was getting in my eyes, and looking at me and telling me I was pretty.

Of course, this doesn't mean I have self-esteem issues. I don't think anyone would believe that story, the way I behave around my friends, my classmates, my teachers. But I've never considered myself pretty. It's a luxury to be pretty, and it's not one that I am entitled to enjoy.

I've never had someone say that to me before. And I think about how lucky, how so incredibly lucky I am to have someone like 陳怡靜 look after me. To be there for me when I most need it. To give me the strength to believe that I am as beautiful as I want myself to be. To love myself, and to give me courage in the times when I am most weak.

陳怡靜 妳才是最漂亮的。