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Occasionally, late at night, I click around the various blogs of my friends and I realize how infrequently I take photos for fun. But how can I do that when it's 12:20 AM at night and I'm stuck at home? Take photos around my room, of course.

Below are four photographs of things that carry a lot of meaning for me.

Closeups are a lot of fun, because they leave the viewer guessing.
There are three out of four that need no explanation.

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I enjoy:

· Spending summer nights with you (guys).
· When 若晞 asked us to gather in a circle to clap and cheer this evening, he asked everyone to thank 花男 and 經理 (which is me), but 花男 stopped him and said "I don't think we need to thank our manager anymore... I think she's already one of our teammates."
· Laying down on our stomachs, head in hands, in a circle, to cycle and talk together after practices every day, looking at all the stars in the night sky as we sit together on the dark volleyball courts.
· Being a part of this happy family, a family that will always occupy a small corner of my heart.

Summer love at its finest—sharing it with people you treasure in the heat of the day and the cool of the night, everlasting and as intangible as the occasional, precious breeze in Taipei's heated summer weather.

Mmm, I remember something 雅盺 told me a few days ago... "When he leaves for America in a few weeks, I don't think 男排 will be the same again."

That thought hit me straight in the face—that the person I will miss the most from these happy summer nights is actually leaving for a place I call home but that sounds so foreign and cold to me now. As much as I don't want to admit it, I am quickly running out of time to do what I need to do. I wish I didn't have to come to the realization that you will not come back for a long time. There is so much I love about this team, and I wish our story didn't have to end so soon. A story that I keep secret from all other eyes except my own, a story that I will continue to commit to paper and pencil even as the clock ticks the hours, the minutes, the seconds, away. A story for which I cannot bear to write an ending. A story that is written in pencil, and not pen, because in the words resides another treasure that can be erased and re-written with time.

161

Sometimes I wish I had the power to control how much power my emotions have over my behavior.

What a complicated sentence. But I think it's a rather simple concept.

Recently, I was sitting in an air-conditioned room on a very hot day, tapping away on my Macbook. It was a nice, optimal temperature for a room, and I was feeling quite comfortable. But gradually, I realized my entire body was getting warmer, and pretty soon, I felt hot, in a 26-degree Celsius room. How could that be possible? I couldn't understand why, and then I felt my fingers becoming weaker, and I started feeling tired.

I'm not sick and I don't have panic attacks. After a while, I realized why I was feeling hot and 軟啪啪 all over. My thoughts were trailing over to a place which I normally dislike exploring in detail, and they were controlling how I physically felt, as well as taking over my mental systems.

I envy people who have the power to detach themselves from their emotions and continue their day-to-day tasks. Sometimes, I'll feel so down that I find myself sitting in front of the computer unable to move, unable to smile, unable to do anything except sit quietly and wonder. Sometimes I loathe wondering, because I have grown to loathe the term "what if."

There is so much I dislike about the typical teenage train of thought, but I find that it is difficult for me to detach myself from said thoughts. I'm like a person I dislike, and I don't know how to fix it. I do know how, but how?

You don't have to understand what I'm trying to say. I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

160

Hello friends! It is currently 2:02 AM Taipei time, and I'm finally home after a lengthy trip to Taichung and Yunlin. I figured I would write this post as I wait for my hair to dry so I can sleep, even though it's awfully late and I plan to be up early tomorrow morning... our apartment is so small that I'm scared to use the hairdryer when everyone's asleep, but sometimes it's hard to avoid. Descriptions aren't going to be very long, because it's still rather late at night.

This morning my parents and I got up at seven and left the house around eight and set off for Taizhong. We got there around eleven, and boy, Taizhong hasn't changed much since the last time I was there.

We waited on a street corner for 培淳 to come and pick us up. Come to think of it, I forgot to take a picture of it, but you notice that building composed of blue blocks in the upper right hand corner? My parents pointed out how ugly it looked when we were standing in the shade waiting to be picked up. I thought it was innovative, but art is so different to different eyes. 

Anyway, 培淳 picked us up and we went to Dad's friend's house for a visit. When we got there, there were workers trimming the trees outside. Dad's friend was waiting outside for us, and he immediately showed me this, and it gave me a good scare: 

Can't tell what they are? 

That's right... baby birds. The workers must have disturbed them when they were trimming the trees, but they managed to save the nest. Dad's friend said that the mother usually won't come back if her nest is disturbed, which is deeply saddening. He asked me if I wanted them, and for a few minutes I was seriously considering taking them home to Taipei to take care of them. As I picked up the nest, two of them craned their necks upwards with open mouths, as if waiting for food to be dropped in. Their skin is so thin and so fragile; I could observe their veins moving up and down as they breathed. I did really want to take care of them, but I had no idea how I'd possibly get them back to Taipei, and how I could find the time to take care of them regularly. In the end, we left the nest at the 警衛 station and went in the house. We had Thai cuisine for lunch (really good!). 

阿姨 offered me a 芭蕉 when we got back to the house. Looks like a banana, but it's not. It's sweeter, tangier, and Q'er than a banana, and tastes better, in my opinion!

Anyway, after the 芭蕉 was nice and finished, 培淳 drove us down to Yunlin. It took about an hour to get down there, and I had a nice nap on the way. The school took a while to find, though...

My brother's school is, quite literally, in the middle of a field, in the middle of nowhere. The entire school, which only houses a number shy of 70 students, consists of one two-story building and the track field. One upside was the extremely cool and comfortable weather, which, according to the principal, was a result of a recent rainfall.

Anyway, Kalvin showed us around the school, and I met his teaching partners. They were nice, for the most part, but I only had a few minutes with them and my first impressions were all correct, according to my brother, when I took him aside for a chat when my parents were talking with the principal. Oh, well. All I really care about is the fact that he's having fun... and that's all that matters! 

What a day. I give up on my hair... I'm going to blow-dry it and go to bed. Goodnight! 

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生科營第二個晚會 宛螢學姊有唱這首歌 我覺得宛螢唱得比原唱好聽唷 ：）

休息是為了走更長的路
你就是我的旅途
都是因為你 我一直漫步

想要跟你一起走到最後
但我遺失了地圖
誰給誰束縛 誰比誰辛苦
愛到深處才會領悟

好的事情 最後雖然結束
感動十分 就有十分滿足
謝謝你 是你陪我走過那些路
痛 是以後無法再給你幸福

好的事情 也許能夠重複
感動時分 就算紛紛模糊
不要哭 至少你和我記得很清楚
愛 是為彼此祝福

想要跟你一起走到最後
但我遺失了地圖
誰給誰束縛 誰比誰辛苦
愛到深處才會領悟

好的事情 最後雖然結束
感動十分 就有十分滿足
謝謝你 是你陪我走過那些路
痛 是以後無法再給你幸福

好的事情 也許能夠重複
感動時分 就算紛紛模糊
不要哭 至少你和我記得很清楚
愛 是為彼此祝福

不要哭 至少你和我記得很清楚
愛 是為彼此祝福

158

Ahh, the summer time. When the living is easy, the mosquitoes dine, and we spend ninety percent of every day feeling sticky and hot. But no mind, it's all in good fun.

Tomorrow I leave for Yunlin (雲林) and Taizhong (台中); the former to visit my brother at his school, and the latter to visit friends of my dad. I'll be back in Taipei by tomorrow night. On Thursday I leave for Tainan (台南) with a few of my volleyball girls to visit 雨珊 at home. Taizhong means shopping, and Tainan means good food! What a wonderful way to spend summer. On top of guys' volleyball summer training (we finished ours today!), I can't wait for these next two weeks! Bring it on.

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See, the thing is, if I didn't have volleyball 暑訓 this week, this post would be about 花蓮 and about all the good things I ate and the places I went to and how I watched the guys get drunk at night and play 麻將 and all those good, happy things. But I have 暑訓 and I didn't go to 花蓮 as a result. So, instead, this post is about 暑訓, or at least part of it. Today's only the first day, after all!

I'm really glad I decided not to go to badminton's 暑訓, because I think I would have stopped breathing on the train before we reached 台南, I'd be so exhausted after 生科營 just ended. I'm so glad I decided to stay at 台大 instead. Whew.

Anyway. I guess this should be my master post. Might as well be. Never mind... just day one!

♫

07-11-2011 / DAY 1 / 第一天

- 中心往前 (重要)，用身體送球，不要翹屁股
- 手要擺平，不然球會送歪
- 發球時候打球屁股，但不要打太上下，用靠近拇指的手掌部份去碰球
- 攻擊：二號要快快快快快打! 早點碰到球早點把它給壓下去，記得跑腳步不要噸住，起跳快一點，手再揮快一點，會比較有威力性
- 攔網報到：滯空力超糟糕！背後那條要多拉多去利用
- 腳步報到：是鞋子太滑了還是腳步真的這樣就退步了?

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The obligatory life science camp photo post. I'm kind of lazy to add captions or even add more than five photographs, and even more lazy to try and write out some kind of 心得文, especially because, in short, I didn't enjoy the week I spent as a counselor. It was tiring beyond belief, and the energy I put in wasn't worth it in the end. I thought maybe I was being stupid for crying on the second day, but at the end my feelings hadn't changed. I gave up going home this summer for two weeks of energy-sapping, fruitless work. I think the only thing that was really worth it in the end was the fact that we sent the kids home happy and with good memories nestled in the corners of their minds. And maybe, that's enough.

明年再來一次

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晚上沈思一下

For the nineteen years I have lived, I have had the fortune of keeping the people I love close by. I think you might be the first person who is going to leave me, and leave so soon. You are going to a place that I call home, but you will stand on the opposite shore. Maybe you will forever stand on that shore, in a place where I cannot reach nor find you. For a long time I have kept you locked in my heart, with a key I swallowed, when I realized that your likeness was in danger of becoming a dream. I unlocked the chamber from time to time, to steal a look at you from behind the trees, or to smile at you, and hear your laughter. But most of the time I never dare to unlock it. I have too much to risk, and not enough to give. 

I have been urged to release you from the chamber that binds you, but I cannot do that. You are too important for me to lose memory of you, and yet, distant enough so that I can keep you inside without feeling unhappy. There is so much I want to say, but I don't have the courage to say any of it. The reason I want to grow up is because of you. There is so much I want to know. And most of all, there are so many reasons why I wish you won't leave me. 

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I don't know why I'm posting this at 1:25 AM on a Sunday night the day before 生科營 starts, but what I've started typing, I might as well finish.

I had a discussion about this on the bus on the way home with 胡仁恩 yesterday. It got to the point where people sitting next to us began eavesdropping on the conversation and when I reached my stop, he got off with me because he didn't want to guess what was going to happen if he sat alone for the rest of the way home. It's by nature a very touchy topic, so I'm only going to reflect on one aspect of what we talked about, and leave the rest for another day; taking into consideration the fact that I have a long week ahead of me, starting tomorrow.

Anyway.

I don't understand why people say "This is what God has planned for me." 


"I didn't get into my first choice... but that's okay, God has a plan for me, and I know I'm doing what He wants for me, and He will always take care of me." 

During college acceptances/rejections season, I saw these kinds of Tumblr and Facebook posts everywhere, and I didn't know what to think at first. I'm not a Christian; I wasn't raised in a religious family, and have had very little experience with a church environment. I consider myself agnostic, and at times, an atheist. But after a while, the whole "He has a plan for me" deal started to bother me.

Granted, my understanding of this "God" figure is not as full or as complete as many of my fellow Christian friends and classmates, but I honestly believe that such a statement isn't a demonstration of your faith; it's instead using your faith to run away from a fact that you refuse to face. Just because God has a plan for you doesn't mean that your fate is predestined to run along the same string, the same tune and the same note, for the entirety of your life. Do Christians believe that they cannot change the path that God has planned for them? Or do my classmates simply enjoy using the fact that they have a God in their life, to justify their failure to meet the goals they have set for themselves?

Idk, just a murmur before I go to bed. This post doesn't really have a 中心... sorry!