161

Sometimes I wish I had the power to control how much power my emotions have over my behavior.

What a complicated sentence. But I think it's a rather simple concept.

Recently, I was sitting in an air-conditioned room on a very hot day, tapping away on my Macbook. It was a nice, optimal temperature for a room, and I was feeling quite comfortable. But gradually, I realized my entire body was getting warmer, and pretty soon, I felt hot, in a 26-degree Celsius room. How could that be possible? I couldn't understand why, and then I felt my fingers becoming weaker, and I started feeling tired.

I'm not sick and I don't have panic attacks. After a while, I realized why I was feeling hot and 軟啪啪 all over. My thoughts were trailing over to a place which I normally dislike exploring in detail, and they were controlling how I physically felt, as well as taking over my mental systems.

I envy people who have the power to detach themselves from their emotions and continue their day-to-day tasks. Sometimes, I'll feel so down that I find myself sitting in front of the computer unable to move, unable to smile, unable to do anything except sit quietly and wonder. Sometimes I loathe wondering, because I have grown to loathe the term "what if."

There is so much I dislike about the typical teenage train of thought, but I find that it is difficult for me to detach myself from said thoughts. I'm like a person I dislike, and I don't know how to fix it. I do know how, but how?

You don't have to understand what I'm trying to say. I don't even know what I'm trying to say.