012

what a stark contrast with my last post : (
批評人家並不是好事，但我對沒謙遜沒良心的人完全沒耐心，也不會對他們怎樣的客氣. 竟然敢對台大表出這種態度，對本地生非常沒有禮貌. 讓我覺得... 好煩喔!!! D:<


yesterday night, in chinese class, we spent three hours doing 自我介紹. one guy stood up and went to the front. he said "我回來台灣... 是因為要照顧我奶奶... oh, and 順便來讀書." everyone thought this was really funny and cracked up about it but in my head i was thinking that is so. much. bull. you talk like getting into NTU is just a side project alongside your endeavors to take care of your grandmother (which, by the way, i find incredibly difficult to believe. since when did this responsibility fall on your shoulders?). i don't think you realize how hard 本地生 work to get into this school, and you obviously fail to recognize the fact that YOU took a spot away from another qualified student who wanted to come here. if you don't care enough, why are you here? if you're here "just for the heck of it" and aren't going to take this experience seriously, NTU made a serious mistake in accepting you.

when asked to talk about his interests, his hometown, and his parents, he said, “我喜歡睡覺，吃東西，打瞌睡. okay. i'm done." when the teacher stopped him, he stood on the podium for five. FIVE. minutes arguing with the teacher about why he had to talk about his real interests. “為什麼我需要講？我的城市很無聊啊！沒事做！我也沒什麼喜歡做得." what? WHAT? everyone was laughing and people thought it was funny, but i was sitting there thinking this is a humongous waste of time.

i sound like a killjoy. honestly, i actually want to get something done in that class. obviously, you do not share this desire, because you wasted my time arguing about something that you could describe in THIRTY SECONDS. simple. what is wrong with you. WHY are you here when someone who deserves this spot MUCH MORE than you didn't get in.

011

I'm here, swinging in and out of equilibrium.
when I came home this evening, this is how I thought of today:
I'm noticing that the time I spend feeling down is slowly beginning to surpass the time I feel happy. it is a fact that I have every bit of potential I need to achieve the goals I've set for myself this year. but the fact that I'm not applying myself and not realizing how serious it is for me to keep my promises is turning the time i spend happy into a gloomy stupor.

delia told me that coming to college was a blank slate. I feel like I've already scratched it up and left traces of chalk along the edges, and school hasn't even been in session for a month yet. it's been three weeks, and I wish I was back at the starting line.

after pondering, you will be surprised how things can change:
yet at the same time, while I swing in and out of confidence, I am slowly doing my best to nurture the new personality I promised I would bring here. this afternoon, I was in one of my gloomy, stormy weather moods, one that my closest friends can recognize. when I ordered my lunch, the woman forgot I ordered, and people who came as late as ten minutes behind me got their food before I reminded her that I ordered. on top of a thoroughly confusing chemistry class, I was frustrated when I walked up to my room and there was a girl standing in middle of the hallway. in my head I wanted to tell her to get out of my way because everything felt so against me at the time ... of course I didn't!

I sat in my room, eating lunch, and I thought what a stupid thing to think: a hallway is for everyone, it's not for you. there are twenty-four hours every day. I can choose to spend them happily, or I can choose to waste them on anger and brooding thoughts. I can choose to appreciate what I have, or complain about what I don't, and forever feel unsatisfied. I can choose to take out frustration openly upon others, or I can choose to take a few deep breaths and slowly let out the steam, in small bursts, until I feel better.

nothing's ever as bad as it seems! it feels overwhelming at first, as everything new and uncertain and alien does, but in the end, I am still blessed, and I will appreciate that... because, as 品淨 would remind me, every day is a SPLENDID day! : )

我們大家一起加油吧!!

010

我覺得 我常常滿嘴不停的抱怨 說給別人聽
我發現我抱怨的事都是大家會經驗的事
‘我好累!’ ‘我肚子餓!’
‘為什麼功課這麼多! 老師也太過分了!'
別人可能拿的學分比我還多 不會說去這種話
別人可能連早餐都沒吃, 撐到中午 也不會說什麼

世界上有人沒東西吃 沒書唸
我已經這麼幸福了, 我還敢說這種話
我常常把這些掛在嘴上 不知不覺中它就會出現 冒出來
但 我覺得我這樣抱怨 好自私

也沒什麼好抱怨的啊! 這是一個很壞的習慣 一定要改喔, 雙雙～ learn to be less self-centered, and you will be much happier : )

009

今天爸爸打電話來 我有提到制服日的事情
爸爸說我穿建中制服好調皮
到最後不要只有我覺得有趣 其他人都不覺得好笑

T^T
有點掃興的感覺放在心上
我是不是太美國式了 ??
我以為會挺有趣啊
結果爸爸這樣說我開始懷疑

希望大家不要誤會我吧 ...
如果這樣不好我以後盡量不要玩這個咯 抱歉 @_@

p.s. 明天女排新生盃 !! 最後還是決定加入... 應該很好玩的 ^^"

008

我今天真不舒服
不知道為什麼今天覺得好寂寞心裡也好難過
好想在床上卷成小飯團 不出來
沒胃口也覺得全身很弱
下午有實驗課
晚上得 K書不然會落後
我好累

(5:55pm)

開始流鼻水了 喉嚨不痛但開始有怪怪的預感了 意思就是 我又要感冒了
我真的沒時間生病!!! 絕對不行 我這樣怎麼辦
p.s. claire you are sweet ♥ teaaaaa : )

(1:14am)

post-its aren't 環保.
tomorrow, i need to:

去水源市場買水果
去僑生辦公室拿英文卷
ask 怡靜 why i'm still on the roster for volleyball ..
get 1? 2? uniforms from various people : ) 漁房
go hunting for safety pins
DO LAUNDRY i am ridiculous what is this
圖書館
check my mailbox (again) because kasey's letter is taking EONS to get here
talk to joyce (or at least leave her endless amounts of offline messages) because the woman won't talk to me :<
get better and drink water and rest

SPEAKING OF WHICH why am i not in bed. goodnight!

007

today
library with 宸儀
stoichiometry?
lunch with 宸儀 ｜ 鐵板燒 has never surprised me more. it's... a porcelain plate. but 白香果冰沙 :D
back to library with 宸儀 | I TOOK A NAP AGAIN. i need to stop falling asleep after lunch.
more stoichiometry
library with 玥文 | she came in and walked right past me :'(
almost breaking my arm because of abovementioned('s) 微積分課本 | seriously... just drop the stuff about applications to the real world (i never read them anyway!) and that book would be pounds lighter. people stared at me as i walked back shifting my laptop and books from hand to hand every few steps
宅 ～
預報

tomorrow
品淨 comes back, yo : )
library with 宸儀
possibly lunch with 宸儀
studystudystudystudystudy like it's the end of the world

also i am feeling sluggish/extremely counterproductive
can someone kill the internet so i can actually claim to be studying

006

today was not a good day.

1. i woke up tired this morning with 熊貓眼 and i found out that i took delia's ochem binder by accident when i took her old textbooks from her locker last night. i skipped breakfast and ran to 魚房 to give it back to her, then went straight to chemistry.

2. i sat through chemistry in a daze. i didn't fall asleep but i wasn't exactly in the best shape for learning stoichiometry. everything was kind of a blur for two hours.

3. 服務學習 took until 1:30 and after not eating lunch, i was pretty hungry, but more thirsty. i ordered 飯 to go, but the woman gave it to me for 內用, and they looked so busy that i didn't want to ask for it otherwise. i ate at 大一女 but i couldn't finish it and ended throwing about 1/4 of it away.

4. i took a nap at my desk after lunch (around 2:45) and woke up at 3:31. i seriously jumped out of my seat thinking OH MY GOD i am late for class i am late for class i am late for class and i called my dad and i almost cried because i've never skipped class before. i ended up skipping first period and sneaking in during second. no one said anything but i still felt pretty terrible.

5. it started drip-dropping on the way to calculus and i prayed it would not rain. calculus, as usual, was incomprehensible. as always, i still need to painstakingly read the textbook on my own.

6. i went to the neighboring calculus course (whose teacher uses an english textbook) and was about to ask if i could join his class instead, when the person asking a question before me asked it and he threw out a very (rushed? impatient?) NO and stalked out of the classroom. thankfully, i wasn't the one who was yelled at (thank you, random boy who asked that question for me), but now i'm stuck with a chinese textbook for good.

7. my prayers failed. it's raining when i come outside, and because i left my umbrella at my dorm on my (late) way out to class, i ran from 新生大樓 all the way back to 大一女 without one. i came home wet and even though i took off my clothes and changed, i really hope there's not a cold coming.

8. two plant lab conclusions are due tomorrow and... and everything's in chinese.

thus,

TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER : )

005

so, a few things:

• I'm sitting in B1 of the NTU library right now and about ten minutes ago, there were two guys sitting facing me on the other side of the wall separating our desks ... and I didn't even notice them until they started shooting me looks. That part was pretty awkward. In addition, the guy on the left looked like (yes, another) Nichkhun-look-alike.
• Our chemistry lab TA that I've been dreadfully afraid of approaching used a "^^" in an e-mail to me. I am content. Not to mention pretty happy about something as simple as an emoticon.
• LS bbq tomorrow + overseas freshmen 宿營 this weekend. I guess it's a good start.
• Studying is stressful. I sit here for hours and I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing. Which is why I'm going to stop here and go read more chemistry.

(11:55 pm)

cheeeeeemistry

cheeeeeemistry (lab)

biiiiiiology

biiiiiiology (lab)

let me keysmash please :( blashfgjvmfslkf

004

chemistry.

i'm seriously this close to crying.

how can i be five problems in... and not understand how to do four of them.

did i mention this is only chapter two and it's been an hour.

/哭

(8:28 pm)

i called my dad while i was eating dinner to 抱怨 because i sat at my desk for two hours studying chinese and chemistry and after those two hours, i still felt like i accomplished absolutely nothing. it's really not a good feeling.

also, today in chemistry, we watched two videos, to which our professor typed up four questions to answer while we watched. i prayed that it'd be in english only to have it handed to me and have ALL FOUR be in chinese. if i didn't have my macbook with me, i would have panicked, but thankfully i brought it to class today. before the TA started the video i hurriedly typed all the words i didn't understand into google translate and managed to translate all four into questions i could sufficiently understand before the important parts of the video came up.

i ended up answering the questions half in english and half in chinese. honestly i didn't like my answers because they weren't exactly thorough, but i did the best i could, considering both videos were 100% in chinese (with a small clip from national geographic that was in english... but compared to the big picture, that was negligent). i have never been so terrified of going to class. sigh sigh~

003

This evening I had dinner at 大一女's building B food court. I ordered what I always order on any given night: 豬排 or 雞排, 蓋飯. I ordered 泡菜豬肉 tonight and I'm not going to lie, it was vraiment délicieux. Mmmm, yummy :)

Anyway, while I was eating, I looked around the room, and spotted a couple sitting not too far from me. The girl had a laptop on the table, and since I could see the screen I could tell she was on Facebook. Both her hands were placed on the keyboard, concentrating on the screen as she scrolled through her (or perhaps his?) newsfeed. Meanwhile, the guy had his arm around her neck, and pulled her towards him every five or ten seconds to peck her cheek or fondle her neck or something to that effect. It became obvious that he was doing his best to talk to the girl, because he'd break out into laughter every few seconds, pull her towards him, kiss her cheek: repeat about three or four times per ten minutes.

Meanwhile, I was surprised to see the girl had little to no reaction to what her boyfriend was doing. Her hands didn't contact his: they were still steadily scrolling through her newsfeed, her eyes on the screen, hardly communicating with him at all. The guy kept it up, and eventually I guess he got tired, because he stopped talking and his hand fell to her waist, where it stayed, while he looked on at her doings online, obviously getting bored.

I thought about how that couple must have formed. I could imagine the guy trying to woo her, and her finally giving in. I couldn't help but think the guy was acting this way because he had an idea of the kind of girl he was dating: and either didn't think he could measure up or was trying too hard to keep her because she was such a "catch." It made me reminisce (not happily) on one of my past relationships, something similar to this, now that I look back and analyze what happened. I looked at the couple with a sort of annoyance: not so much that they were being all lovey-dovey, but because the lovey-doveyness was so mismatched and the guy was trying way too hard to get something that very obviously won't belong to him in a while. It's only a matter of time.

Maybe 宸儀 is right.

002

今天晚上吃葡萄柚～ 大學時水果一定要多吃，不然很容易就吃公館和台大美食街好吃的，忘了營養還是得補充。

Tomorrow morning is my first official college class... chemistry 1009, followed by an afternoon chemistry 1010 lab. Ah, we shall see... I promise I won't get lost, or if I do, I'll go extra early so I'm not late.

001

I wrote this for myself a few days ago. Now that I think of it... 愛護 should be 愛惜... but that's okay. It's the three things I need most in college. It's the three things that are forever going to keep me happy.