078

In all my deepest desires and wishes, I could never ask for more time.

So.

Six hours of calculus in a decently productive study group and I still feel like I absorbed/reviewed absolutely nothing. Why is my life always this unproductive? Thursday. We're all pushing for Thursday. After Thursday and the chem final is complete at 12:10, we're all unstoppable. Unless you start thinking about choosing classes for next semester, 杜鵑花 and 大一劇 rehearsals, winter training, and term papers for biology. Home, that is, California, seems so far away, a distant memory, even though it hasn't happened yet. I don't even know. I feel like my life is forever on edge, I'm never good enough for anything I decide to do, and all my dreams conflict with one another.

It is confusing. People around me, whether they be friends or family, have so much faith in me, and they've made so much effort to tell me I can do it, I can do it. Yet the only person who doesn't have any is myself. I need to believe in myself. Believe that I can do all the things I want to do. Believe that I can be the person I so desire to become. Believe that I can do better than this, that everything is worth the fight, that nothing is worth giving up. Failing is not falling. Failing is giving up. I will not fail. I might not have succeeded this time, and even though the fall is taxing on my pride, my heart, and my willpower, nothing will stop me from getting up, brushing myself off, and doing it again. Until I get it right. Until I succeed.

Go.