161

Sometimes I wish I had the power to control how much power my emotions have over my behavior.

What a complicated sentence. But I think it's a rather simple concept.

Recently, I was sitting in an air-conditioned room on a very hot day, tapping away on my Macbook. It was a nice, optimal temperature for a room, and I was feeling quite comfortable. But gradually, I realized my entire body was getting warmer, and pretty soon, I felt hot, in a 26-degree Celsius room. How could that be possible? I couldn't understand why, and then I felt my fingers becoming weaker, and I started feeling tired.

I'm not sick and I don't have panic attacks. After a while, I realized why I was feeling hot and 軟啪啪 all over. My thoughts were trailing over to a place which I normally dislike exploring in detail, and they were controlling how I physically felt, as well as taking over my mental systems.

I envy people who have the power to detach themselves from their emotions and continue their day-to-day tasks. Sometimes, I'll feel so down that I find myself sitting in front of the computer unable to move, unable to smile, unable to do anything except sit quietly and wonder. Sometimes I loathe wondering, because I have grown to loathe the term "what if."

There is so much I dislike about the typical teenage train of thought, but I find that it is difficult for me to detach myself from said thoughts. I'm like a person I dislike, and I don't know how to fix it. I do know how, but how?

You don't have to understand what I'm trying to say. I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

154

I don't know why I'm posting this at 1:25 AM on a Sunday night the day before 生科營 starts, but what I've started typing, I might as well finish.

I had a discussion about this on the bus on the way home with 胡仁恩 yesterday. It got to the point where people sitting next to us began eavesdropping on the conversation and when I reached my stop, he got off with me because he didn't want to guess what was going to happen if he sat alone for the rest of the way home. It's by nature a very touchy topic, so I'm only going to reflect on one aspect of what we talked about, and leave the rest for another day; taking into consideration the fact that I have a long week ahead of me, starting tomorrow.

Anyway.

I don't understand why people say "This is what God has planned for me." 


"I didn't get into my first choice... but that's okay, God has a plan for me, and I know I'm doing what He wants for me, and He will always take care of me." 

During college acceptances/rejections season, I saw these kinds of Tumblr and Facebook posts everywhere, and I didn't know what to think at first. I'm not a Christian; I wasn't raised in a religious family, and have had very little experience with a church environment. I consider myself agnostic, and at times, an atheist. But after a while, the whole "He has a plan for me" deal started to bother me.

Granted, my understanding of this "God" figure is not as full or as complete as many of my fellow Christian friends and classmates, but I honestly believe that such a statement isn't a demonstration of your faith; it's instead using your faith to run away from a fact that you refuse to face. Just because God has a plan for you doesn't mean that your fate is predestined to run along the same string, the same tune and the same note, for the entirety of your life. Do Christians believe that they cannot change the path that God has planned for them? Or do my classmates simply enjoy using the fact that they have a God in their life, to justify their failure to meet the goals they have set for themselves?

Idk, just a murmur before I go to bed. This post doesn't really have a 中心... sorry!

135

已經不知如何面對
一幅沒有我的鏡子
想要尋找 想要冒險
但我老早落地了 我翅膀 被你偷走了
一隻無翅膀 無聲 的鳥

回來 回來 回來
我該如何說服你
不要走

126

Not going home is not going to be the right decision in the end, and I know it. In a way, I feel tied down by all the obligations I have, but I'm scared that I have another reason not to return to San Jose. Perhaps this is what a home-identity crisis feels like, not knowing where you belong, not knowing which place to call home, not knowing which place is more worthy of your attention.

I don't regret taking on the responsibilities I have: treasurer/second chairman of 2011 freshman orientation, small-group counselor of life science camp, and unofficial tour guide to my brother and his friends when he comes here for AID this summer. They're my pride, my joy, my happiness. But I am afraid, I am so afraid. Afraid that if I keep this pace up, there's probably no way I'll go home in the summertime, not ever. It's not right. I can't do this to myself.

124

吼。
我已經沒什麼耐心理你們了
大家說 妳需要什麼才來找我是很正常的事 這是文化差異嗎 我覺得一點都不正常 我覺得是無情 不把妳朋友的感受放在眼裡 拋下關心妳的人不管 對你來說是很自然的事嗎？希望妳這樣會開心喔 以後不開心我們可不耍你們了

女排比會計當天我在實驗室裡跑到妳顯微鏡前面說 我們今天要比賽 妳做好了嗎？大家都如此的興奮 妳卻不理我 結果妳到了球場 排球鞋沒穿 護膝沒帶 什麼都沒準備好 我看到妳就很生氣 竟然遲到成這種樣子 還有面子對場上的學姊說話嗎？

最近不只這件事情 其實很多 懶得寫下來 because you're not even worth my time.

我不管了 大家說我比較直接 不想台灣人會比較靦腆 下次你們決定參加我們團體活動如果閃成這種樣子我有可能會無法忍耐直接罵出來了 人家不敢罵我敢 而且我也不會有意思道歉 除非你們想先主動跟大家說對不起 真是夠了

123

The little things that whiz through your mind in the last few minutes before sleep consumes you are not very little at all. For me, they've always been a whirlwind that torpedoes at top-speed across my brain, as the sheep trying to get me to sleep realize that their little fence in the little green meadow has been spun away by said tornado. Nothing is so little in my mind.

After high school I stopped talking about this, because I remember how sick love can make you, and how experience can teach you, it's not wise to rush into any sound relationship without first setting your boundaries and knowing what you want. I sound like such a little girl when I talk about love, but I would be lying through my teeth if I said I don't think about this often. One of my classmates told me that a 學長, while describing me, said he believed I wouldn't end up with someone my own age, because I'm more 成熟, and am more likely to end up with a 學長. And since then I've been re-evaluating myself.

I lay in bed every night, and the last thing that torpedoes through my mind is always this. I stare at the ceiling and clutch the covers, sometimes with my iPod linked to my ears as music flows through my earbuds. And I always wonder, why? Of all the things in the world, why is it that this is what I want most? To be loved, to be married only once, to a person to whom I will give not only my heart, but my life; to have children and raise them to be honorable members of society, to grow old, older with him, to spend the rest of my life committed to one person in all that I do.

This is my 幸福. But why do I dream of things that are so far away?

None of my posts make sense anymore.

121

©

你要相信，相信我會站在你身邊 你要信任我 並面對說服你自己 說孤獨是找出生命美好的開始 不要怕孤獨 先跟自己做好朋友 再去尋找自己的另一半 互相等待 或許 或許 或許

每次寫出這些話覺得自己有夠白癡 thinking out loud 是否是一件好事 還是我該自己存在心裡 不要把自己的心思漏給全時間看？從小我就有很認真在寫日記 到最後網路部落格的大發展就漸漸把思想移到這裡來了

嗯，有在想

我是個很容易受到感動的人 我也非常容易哭出來 小事誤會或戳破一點點 我眼淚就流出了 人家安慰我感到無奈 我自己也想停止 以前我哭我會閉上眼睛哭 朋友圍著我安慰我慢慢讓我冷靜下來 我不停 但現在我了解 哭 只是一種很吸引人家注意的爛招 我現在也盡量不要哭出來了 如果需要哭我絕對不會依賴人家的安慰而再次站起來

但我卻是同學之間最愛笑的人 我崩潰的笑聲 已成為漁房的特色之一了
我自己有點矛盾 有時不太了解我個性到底要如何理解如何解說
然後我不停著想

想什麼呢？

115

Un coeur de verre, les yeux de papier. Pas possible de l'aimer, sans un sourire pour les jours de pluie. Tu sais, le courage? C'est le chose que les amants ont pour protéger leur amour, mais je n'ai rien de plus. Je pense de votre sourire, votre sourire vraiment doux—et soudainment je ne peux pas accepter, vous allez partir, vous allez partir. Non, c'est pas possible. Qu'est-ce que c'est l'amour, vous savez? C'est le courage d'aimer une personne avec tout de coeur, qui ne vous aime, pas maintenant, pas pour l'éternite. Et c'est pour le meilleur, je sais. Mais je n'ai préparé pas, je n'ai préparé pas. Vous m'entends? Je vous empris, ne part pas de mon coeur.

111

Photo by Peter Jiang

It could be the spring season, the nice weather, or just the right time, right place. Lately, my friends have been pairing up left and right. Couples have been sprouting out of LS like newly-watered daisies on a spring day. It's a nice thing to see, love all around. The feeling of having your other half, your sun on a rainy day, by your side, is one of the most beautiful things humanity offers us.

The other day at LS night's celebration dinner, everyone toasted 張宏安 and 江卓安 after he confessed his feelings in front of all 80+ people, with a bouquet of cauliflower wrapped in cellophane. I remember freshmen toasting over me, and spilling beer on my coat sleeves, which, by the way, I still don't drink. Everyone laughed, and said, "Karen, this means you're next!"

My philosophy on relationships, after two unsuccessful and immature ones in high school, is that I can't take care of another person, unless I first learn how to take care of myself. My friends laugh and tell me not to look so far ahead. But how can I love you and support you in your time of need, if I don't first learn how to love myself, and make myself worthy of your care when I need your support? A relationship is a love story, but all love stories have endings, which most people joke is marriage. What if one day we do? Love stories end quickly, and if I don't prepare myself now, I'll never be ready, not ever.

I dislike spam "lists" of things a perfect Prince Charming must have. They must kiss you on the forehead when you're sad. They must let you win fights. They must have nice eyes, nice legs, nice shoulders. Nine-packs, I don't even know. Ridiculous, all around. That's not how a love story works. It requires mutual respect on both ends, not a guy laying his coat across a puddle so you don't get your stilettos wet. Love is not supposed to be easy.

It's a really complicated, rather contradictory feeling. I can't say my heart doesn't twinge a little at the sight of my good friends together, and seeing how happy they are, I can't help but yearn for that feeling, too. But I can't move because my time isn't here yet. I know I have to wait, and do what I'm supposed to do before that time comes; the three things most important to a student, or maybe just to me: get good grades, lose weight, and learn how to become a healthier, happier, self-sufficient person. It's amazing how much willpower I make myself out to have, the way I worded the previous few sentences, but ironic, how those three things require the willpower that I do not have.

Willpower is a strong thing. And it's worth more than anything, more than regret, than pleasure, than courage.

110

Is this supposed to be normal? To lose contact with you guys as soon as high school ends?

The majority of the drift comes from the fact that we are on two completely different continents, let alone the fact that I spend probably less than 5% of every day speaking English, and the cultural differences floating across the Pacific Ocean that so divides us.

I haven't spoken to my best friend since I came back to Taiwan. I still remember getting back to my dorm, dropping my luggage, running downstairs to get breakfast, then biking straight to 漁房 to practice Hoot. I didn't get back until 11 PM that night.

I still remember the sad look my dad gave me when I told him I hadn't spoken to Elizabeth in weeks. He looked genuinely concerned. He asked if I wanted to use long-distance Skype to contact her. I said no, it was fine. Because he knew how much Elizabeth means to me, how close we were in high school, and how we used to spend long hours talking to one another. But how can I let her go, just like that? It's not fair to her, it's not fair at all.

What is wrong with me? The friends I loved so much in high school ... I don't think I know you anymore, because I haven't made any real efforts to keep in contact with you guys. The things I find funny, the jokes I have with my classmates... they're not jokes I can explain to anyone, because they only make sense in Chinese. And if a happy thing can't be shared, what good is it? I spend so much time with my classmates in class, and upon the activities within our major, I am finding that I hardly have time for my family, either. I haven't even really spoken to my mother since I came back. The "no time" excuse is the oldest trick in the book, but how can I have not have a single minute to do the one thing I promised everyone I would do in college: keep in touch?

I've broken so many of my promises. I hardly have the time to think about the letters my friends write me, and all the sweet and wonderful things they say inside. Kasey, if you see this, I loved the valentine you sent me. I almost cried reading the entire thing. I started a response to you, but I couldn't finish it ... and now, I think I have to start over again.

When I visited Berkeley to see Elizabeth during my winter break, I walked past the dorm room of one of my very good friends in high school. But because of our differences, and the fight we had before I left, I didn't call her, and she didn't contact me either. I knew she knew I was back home. Even more, she knew I was visiting Berkeley that day. But I walked straight past her room, and didn't even stop to say hello. It hurt. It did, and I admit my steps slowed when I walked away from that door. But I kept walking.

I cannot bring myself to say that I could go on living without the friendships of my past. You all taught me more about how to survive in my future and to live in my present, that I cannot take credit for any of the things I have done today without crediting you first. And even though college is all about meeting new people and gaining new insight, which is exactly what has happened to me, on a stroke of luck—you all were valuable to me, and still are.

University life has so consumed me that I rarely ever think about anything that's going on beyond the borders of the campus. But as a result, I've thrown away so many of the friendships I cherish ... and is it too late for me to fix them?

109

放開 放手 別矜持了 我明天不管觀眾是誰 我一樣會盡力放開 反正不管我多麼的不舒服 多麼對我自己沒信心 現在已經不重要了 明天要表演就要表現好 羞赧算什麼 不要這樣了！我心裡對自己沒信心 其實到最後沒有人會知道的！上台表演就要動作大 我明天一定要成功！

大家加油，你們可以的！我要放，我要放！ ©

105

為了生科之夜要減肥 其實不應該說是為了之夜 應該說是為了要變苗條，period, 才要減肥
我回美國我媽就說我一定要減肥 我爸說女生苗條才好看
唉 這是一定要的 不然以後更嚴重就更難減掉 開始

我今天中午吃了六吋的 Subway (6吋超難吃飽), 上完普生超超餓... 好難過 今天我決定不吃晚餐
同學們也太好了 吃飯前圍著我跟我討論減肥的方式 到最後決定聽胡仁恩的話 因為他減肥最成功
敬智和夏心怡都說... 6點之後就不要吃東西 （敬智有說 12 AM 之後就可吃了，但陳怡靜叫我不要理他，沒肥肉的小子... = =）還是乖乖的跟著這個好吧

我之夜如果 HOOT 的服裝穿不進 或如果要漏肚子跳（藍寶拜託你有點良心，如要漏保證你打死我我也不上台跳）我會哭 現在這樣想就好難過 所以要努力不要再吃了 ⋯ 本來我是打算一天吃一餐但這樣我大概受不了 也對身體非常不好

反正胡仁恩說：早餐午餐都要吃，晚餐不要吃但可以喝喝微糖的飲料補補糖分，另外飲料喝水或喝無糖飲料

今天晚上上國文看到大家拿晚餐進來我會難過
但要忍受 go!!

089

今天真的是非常難過的一天

就算有心裡準備，還是一樣會嚇到 特別是大一劇 喔真的沒期待今天會挨罵成這種樣子 從劇的剛開始就發現藍寶連看我們一眼都不看 只看著電腦 滑鼠的卡卡聲音不停住 害我好害怕 結束時，上台 cycle / 學長出意見時緊握住陳怡靜的手 輪到藍寶說話時我們手越握越緊 藍寶說我們一驗的程度比今天程度還好 說我們很離譜 就知道會這樣 但我們還是越縮越小 不敢回答 整個教室一片安靜 沒人敢亂動

說嚴重了啦 但被學長罵我心裡真的好難過 大家都說 “並不是針對你啊” 不是，沒錯，但是針對大家 我們大一劇是靠團體精神養起的 我們的責任要一起分 這個不能推到別人身上啊

另外當然是課業問題 我不會說非常仔細 雖然這是我今天哭而最難過的原因 但意思都一樣 到最後 就是要專心 這是逃不了的事 也是我的責任 跌跤一次，好，站起來繼續往前走 記得千萬不要再跌一次了 寒假開始吧 Only you can save yourself.

排完之後我肚子非常不舒服 也不是因為吃壞的關係 全身無力好脆弱 很久沒有肚子痛到受不了 那時我連站起來都很痛 不能亂動不然就很痛 大概是因為今天加上另外的心事才會這麼難過 到最後我根本沒有勇氣面對藍寶說我無法練舞 到最後是江奕賢幫我講 我就沒有去 寫完陳俊宏報告交到他實驗室之後就回宿舍躺下來慢慢康復 現在好多了 但心裡還是一樣的難過

難過不會解決問題的 但不待表我就不用難過

081

It's amazing—and frustrating—to me how easily I crack under stress. I bring it all on myself by choosing to take on all the activities offered to me, then I literally almost kill myself every time when the pressure of all of them becomes too much to balance with my studies. This is a problem with having broad interests. I want everything, and I want to do everything well and perfectly. But it's not perfect, it's far from it. This is also a problem of having a leadership streak. I love leadership, but I stress myself out and panic and bring too much pressure on myself. Consequently... does that mean I'm not good at anything?

Family has also been extremely stressful lately. I just found out that my dad is planning to move back to California, which means I'll be in Taiwan alone, if you don't count my relatives. The idea of that is not new to me, but extremely scary. I am upset with myself for not visiting my grandparents, and I really need to do that. I just feel like everything is equally important, but everything conflicts with one another and ends up pushing me to the edge of tears.

I try so hard to keep smiling, I really do, but even today I couldn't smile very much anymore. I've been bottling this for a while, and all of it is my fault, from beginning to end. I don't know what to do except do better, but how? This is a really complicated feeling to explain, and I know I didn't do a good job of it, but in short... life is difficult for me (#firstworldproblems) because I try to do everything and want everything.

Sometimes I need to learn how to let go.

078

In all my deepest desires and wishes, I could never ask for more time.

So.

Six hours of calculus in a decently productive study group and I still feel like I absorbed/reviewed absolutely nothing. Why is my life always this unproductive? Thursday. We're all pushing for Thursday. After Thursday and the chem final is complete at 12:10, we're all unstoppable. Unless you start thinking about choosing classes for next semester, 杜鵑花 and 大一劇 rehearsals, winter training, and term papers for biology. Home, that is, California, seems so far away, a distant memory, even though it hasn't happened yet. I don't even know. I feel like my life is forever on edge, I'm never good enough for anything I decide to do, and all my dreams conflict with one another.

It is confusing. People around me, whether they be friends or family, have so much faith in me, and they've made so much effort to tell me I can do it, I can do it. Yet the only person who doesn't have any is myself. I need to believe in myself. Believe that I can do all the things I want to do. Believe that I can be the person I so desire to become. Believe that I can do better than this, that everything is worth the fight, that nothing is worth giving up. Failing is not falling. Failing is giving up. I will not fail. I might not have succeeded this time, and even though the fall is taxing on my pride, my heart, and my willpower, nothing will stop me from getting up, brushing myself off, and doing it again. Until I get it right. Until I succeed.

Go.

063

每次上臉書看到憂鬱悶悶不樂的狀態... 會覺得很無奈
滿首頁都是絕望的氣氛, 很想幫忙輔助，但卻無辦法安慰
站在愉快及鬱悶的疆界, 我學到選愉快永遠是最好的選擇
我 沒辦法帶給你快樂 但 我有辦法站在你背後
擁抱你 支持你 聽你跟我解釋為難的地方
當你跌跤無力了 我會伸出一隻手 把你拉起來

不管你是誰 一定要記得
有時會覺得全世界反著你 猛烈無心的對著你
但總有一天春天會來 太陽會出來歡呼你
不要太早拋棄夢 讓自己夢想覆滅到黑暗遙遠的地方
繼續 繼續前進 because you can do it.

生活一定要找到 快樂 平衝的生活
我也非常努力地尋找
但 如果不加油 停住留在原位 這才是真正的失敗

大家
加油!!!!!!!!!!!!!

043

currently /kicking/ myself for the emo post below = = one song should not have the power to have that kind of impact on me. every high school experience has ups and downs, but it's not worth all the emotions I wrote down there. all of it is in the past, and that's all that matters to me: the fact that it's no longer a part of my present.

even though today was an emotional rollercoaster, too. on a few different levels.

but I don't have time to think about the feelings I experienced today, neither should I make time to think about this when I have other more pressing matters at hand ... like a bio midterm tomorrow morning?

FOCUS.