155

晚上沈思一下

For the nineteen years I have lived, I have had the fortune of keeping the people I love close by. I think you might be the first person who is going to leave me, and leave so soon. You are going to a place that I call home, but you will stand on the opposite shore. Maybe you will forever stand on that shore, in a place where I cannot reach nor find you. For a long time I have kept you locked in my heart, with a key I swallowed, when I realized that your likeness was in danger of becoming a dream. I unlocked the chamber from time to time, to steal a look at you from behind the trees, or to smile at you, and hear your laughter. But most of the time I never dare to unlock it. I have too much to risk, and not enough to give. 

I have been urged to release you from the chamber that binds you, but I cannot do that. You are too important for me to lose memory of you, and yet, distant enough so that I can keep you inside without feeling unhappy. There is so much I want to say, but I don't have the courage to say any of it. The reason I want to grow up is because of you. There is so much I want to know. And most of all, there are so many reasons why I wish you won't leave me. 

154

I don't know why I'm posting this at 1:25 AM on a Sunday night the day before 生科營 starts, but what I've started typing, I might as well finish.

I had a discussion about this on the bus on the way home with 胡仁恩 yesterday. It got to the point where people sitting next to us began eavesdropping on the conversation and when I reached my stop, he got off with me because he didn't want to guess what was going to happen if he sat alone for the rest of the way home. It's by nature a very touchy topic, so I'm only going to reflect on one aspect of what we talked about, and leave the rest for another day; taking into consideration the fact that I have a long week ahead of me, starting tomorrow.

Anyway.

I don't understand why people say "This is what God has planned for me." 


"I didn't get into my first choice... but that's okay, God has a plan for me, and I know I'm doing what He wants for me, and He will always take care of me." 

During college acceptances/rejections season, I saw these kinds of Tumblr and Facebook posts everywhere, and I didn't know what to think at first. I'm not a Christian; I wasn't raised in a religious family, and have had very little experience with a church environment. I consider myself agnostic, and at times, an atheist. But after a while, the whole "He has a plan for me" deal started to bother me.

Granted, my understanding of this "God" figure is not as full or as complete as many of my fellow Christian friends and classmates, but I honestly believe that such a statement isn't a demonstration of your faith; it's instead using your faith to run away from a fact that you refuse to face. Just because God has a plan for you doesn't mean that your fate is predestined to run along the same string, the same tune and the same note, for the entirety of your life. Do Christians believe that they cannot change the path that God has planned for them? Or do my classmates simply enjoy using the fact that they have a God in their life, to justify their failure to meet the goals they have set for themselves?

Idk, just a murmur before I go to bed. This post doesn't really have a 中心... sorry!

147

I'm losing my mind. I'm losing a lot of things all at once. Tonight is one of those nights when I just want to lay down and cry. I don't feel well, and I have so many things to do I don't even know where to start. I have things to do that were supposed to be done weeks ago, but I can't even bring myself to pick them up and do them. Why is my 生活作息 so abnormal, so unhealthy, and so unbalanced?

146

Well, I had a terrible week. I had a rough time with two of my good friends, and a lot of hard and unhappy feelings were exchanged. Though both apologized to me in the end, I'm sure there's a lesson for everyone in the argument; no one's ever completely at fault. So, truthfully, I'm sorry, too! 

In addition, it felt like every obligation I currently hold, whether it be the volleyball or badminton teams or the dances I am obligated to learn for the following months or studying or any of my other activities and responsibilities, each took a limb and yanked me in their own direction, as hard as they possibly could, and when my limbs ran out, they took hold of my nose, my mouth, my eyes and pulled even harder. For the first time in my life, I have needed to look at my planner, which used to be a joke to me, to make sure I am free on certain days to do certain things; for the first time I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to accomplish all the things I am obligated to even if I work diligently and get enough sleep and manage my time to its maximum efficiency: and literally, that's how it's been for the past few weeks, not enough time, at all.

I didn't get much sleep this week, and didn't go to several of my classes because I felt quite low. I guess you could say I slept through some of them, but they were not happy slumbers; I was sleeping more to defend myself from my terrible mood and try to rest it up so I could still make it out the rest of the day with a smile.

In the end, it's all about my own choices, the way I plan to manage my time, and how I balance myself under stress and pressure. I have better, higher hopes for next week, even though it means the arrival of the second cell biology midterm and a calculus quiz that I am not prepared for.  Twenty-two units is no walk in the park, and I need to try harder. I have a whole weekend to catch up on sleep, on mood, on all the things I need to do that I've been putting off. I'll put it to good use. :)

059

1. 聖誕卡寫不完了!!! 如果在這兩天內不送出去就不會準時到美國了啦... T T
/writing at top speed...

2. 今天真的好冷 溫度突然降低 但跟美東部來比這是小事
對我來講 其實跟舊金山區的冬天還溫暖一點 XD 所以... 也不會太在意
其實我很愛寒冷的天把全身包起來穿好幾件夾克出門 : ) 很溫暖的感覺
(特別是有跟朋友在一起的時候 覺得更溫暖!!)

3. 本來今天一開始很怪...
明明就睡了整整八個鐘頭早晨起床竟然熊貓眼有一寸長
QQ 這是哪招! 結果我微積分課遲到, 也很差勁 : (
唉 微積分上完我很無奈 但...

4. 晚上去練排球 真的心情變得好開心
手已經很癢了 碰到球我好哈匹～ : )
加上看男排在旁邊練心情也變好
練習結束老大把經理叫過去說有話要跟我們講 那我也想參加 所以我就快快收收操去聽～
老大說的話我好感動 到最後大家喊一二三謝謝經理 更感動
真的好愛男排隊員, 你們是最溫馨的家庭!!

5. 關於下面 058 PO 文 ... 真的不知該從那裡開始說故事 XD

大家一起加油 我也會用力加油!!

057

其實我不想這樣
看到你 我會難過
本來以為 有辦法和你做朋友
為什麼這麼快就會有摩擦?

但 我覺得你得好好反省反省
為何我們關係現在冷冷的 為何大家對你的印象會變成這樣
一開始我覺得我有法幫忙你
覺得如果你願意改進，我可以支持你讓這條路走得順利點
但 我是不是錯了?

如果你要證明我幫忙你是對的
那你就好好想一想 你自己的態度對別人會有什麼種影響
想一想 你把朋友當什麼?

如果你不想證明 永遠會留在原位
那我最對不起的人 就是我自己

049

· NTULS 男排 B 隊今天勝利！讚爆了
Q南 有一球發不好結果就冒出個 "幹～" （遮嘴）
場旁的人都轉過來跟我說 “這球記 Q南：幹!" XD

當球莖其實很愉快啊 =) 能夠屬於男排大家庭感覺很溫馨

· LUXY 舞會決定不去了... 有莫方面是因為覺得不舒服, 只有小馬和林柏澄一起去會不對勁 特別... 因為我完全沒有碰過酒 當天晚上我也一定堅持不碰 所以不想給自己創造困擾難過 覺得氣氛不對 要避免那天晚上會感到的傷心。

· 老爸一陣子就要回美國了看媽媽和小弟了 (嫉）哇～ 聖誕節馬上就要到了
明天我要記得去廣南買聖誕卡喔！實驗課之後就要去買
還有 禮拜四 黑黑要載我去買腳踏車 所以我也得盡快去拿證件

aigoo, 晚安 ：）

046

當比賽開始 當槍聲在空中響出 你是兔子 還是烏龜?
我卻兩個都不是 我卻是落後 根本不向前跑的小椰林
在空中晃來晃去，隨著風帶著我走 但我不動 留在原位 慢慢晃

難道我是永遠不敢前進的植物嗎? 我的生命意義... 就這樣嗎?
我以前是完全相反 我要做的事 當我下定決心 沒有任何人有辦法限制我的夢想
不管河是逆著還是順著流 我會堅持前進 達到夢想，再下車

為什麼 我失去了我的堅持?
為什麼 待在原位 我不會在乎?
為什麼 永遠覺得在原位 無法找到快樂
但我已經無力 去追求愉快?

我是否已經放棄我自己了?

044

I feel hurt, though the person who hurts the most isn't me. But I don't want to take sides. That never helps. I want to be the needle that sews up the loose stitches... of an otherwise beautiful and perfect dress. Everything will be fine in the end. All it takes is a little patience, an open and forgiving heart, and a smile.

Just smile, forgive, and love.
Love unconditionally. Love with no boundaries. Love with your heart, not with your eyes.

Just love.
You'll never be alone.