The majority of the drift comes from the fact that we are on two completely different continents, let alone the fact that I spend probably less than 5% of every day speaking English, and the cultural differences floating across the Pacific Ocean that so divides us.
I haven't spoken to my best friend since I came back to Taiwan. I still remember getting back to my dorm, dropping my luggage, running downstairs to get breakfast, then biking straight to 漁房 to practice Hoot. I didn't get back until 11 PM that night.
I still remember the sad look my dad gave me when I told him I hadn't spoken to Elizabeth in weeks. He looked genuinely concerned. He asked if I wanted to use long-distance Skype to contact her. I said no, it was fine. Because he knew how much Elizabeth means to me, how close we were in high school, and how we used to spend long hours talking to one another. But how can I let her go, just like that? It's not fair to her, it's not fair at all.
What is wrong with me? The friends I loved so much in high school ... I don't think I know you anymore, because I haven't made any real efforts to keep in contact with you guys. The things I find funny, the jokes I have with my classmates... they're not jokes I can explain to anyone, because they only make sense in Chinese. And if a happy thing can't be shared, what good is it? I spend so much time with my classmates in class, and upon the activities within our major, I am finding that I hardly have time for my family, either. I haven't even really spoken to my mother since I came back. The "no time" excuse is the oldest trick in the book, but how can I have not have a single minute to do the one thing I promised everyone I would do in college: keep in touch?
I've broken so many of my promises. I hardly have the time to think about the letters my friends write me, and all the sweet and wonderful things they say inside. Kasey, if you see this, I loved the valentine you sent me. I almost cried reading the entire thing. I started a response to you, but I couldn't finish it ... and now, I think I have to start over again.
When I visited Berkeley to see Elizabeth during my winter break, I walked past the dorm room of one of my very good friends in high school. But because of our differences, and the fight we had before I left, I didn't call her, and she didn't contact me either. I knew she knew I was back home. Even more, she knew I was visiting Berkeley that day. But I walked straight past her room, and didn't even stop to say hello. It hurt. It did, and I admit my steps slowed when I walked away from that door. But I kept walking.
I cannot bring myself to say that I could go on living without the friendships of my past. You all taught me more about how to survive in my future and to live in my present, that I cannot take credit for any of the things I have done today without crediting you first. And even though college is all about meeting new people and gaining new insight, which is exactly what has happened to me, on a stroke of luck—you all were valuable to me, and still are.
University life has so consumed me that I rarely ever think about anything that's going on beyond the borders of the campus. But as a result, I've thrown away so many of the friendships I cherish ... and is it too late for me to fix them?
