078

In all my deepest desires and wishes, I could never ask for more time.

So.

Six hours of calculus in a decently productive study group and I still feel like I absorbed/reviewed absolutely nothing. Why is my life always this unproductive? Thursday. We're all pushing for Thursday. After Thursday and the chem final is complete at 12:10, we're all unstoppable. Unless you start thinking about choosing classes for next semester, 杜鵑花 and 大一劇 rehearsals, winter training, and term papers for biology. Home, that is, California, seems so far away, a distant memory, even though it hasn't happened yet. I don't even know. I feel like my life is forever on edge, I'm never good enough for anything I decide to do, and all my dreams conflict with one another.

It is confusing. People around me, whether they be friends or family, have so much faith in me, and they've made so much effort to tell me I can do it, I can do it. Yet the only person who doesn't have any is myself. I need to believe in myself. Believe that I can do all the things I want to do. Believe that I can be the person I so desire to become. Believe that I can do better than this, that everything is worth the fight, that nothing is worth giving up. Failing is not falling. Failing is giving up. I will not fail. I might not have succeeded this time, and even though the fall is taxing on my pride, my heart, and my willpower, nothing will stop me from getting up, brushing myself off, and doing it again. Until I get it right. Until I succeed.

Go.

077

today,

- chemistry lab final in the morning. ten minutes before the test started 敬智, 胡仁恩, and I all had our cell phones out, calling people who lived in the dormitories who were likely to oversleep. I called 林志豪 (the person who overslept his last chem midterm...) after Peter told me to call. I called five times, but when I gave up he walked right in -_-

- after the final, 女九 for lunch 好久沒吃自助餐了!

- 張敦偉 tried to hop 賈媛's bike when the two of us were biking to 女九. 賈媛's too nice to say anything, but she was going "啊，不要啦，我們只不過要去女九而已啊..." and I looked ahead and it was not ten meters away from us. You can walk! In the end he had lunch with us, but he wanted a ride back to 漁房 afterwards and I was just like ......... I can't take you -_- in the end, I lent him my bike and 賈媛 gave me a ride back. /sigh

- I saw 林柏澄's girlfriend for the first time today, albeit a back view. He kept telling me not to come over, but I went anyway, to steal a look. She's actually very pretty :) and he said he'd tell her I said that.

- after 賈媛 gave me a ride back, I walked to 公館 and met 何閔, 夏心怡, and 陳偉民 at the MRT station, and we went to 北車 for 31 冰淇淋 :) Baskin-Robbins in Taiwan is so much better, I tell you, albeit more expensive. APPLE SHERBET. You can't get much better than that.

- came home with 何閔 because 夏心怡 went back to 附中 for her 學妹. took a nap because 何閔 kept predicting I'd fall asleep -_-; then my dad called and said he'd arrived in Taipei.

- went to dinner (刀削麵) and then 湯圓 at 台一 with my dad.

- came back to my dorm. and I'm currently working on this darned lab report.

:)

076

rant

PO 大一女板的同學，你們鬧夠了沒？一天到晚只看到 1. 抱怨 2. 暴怒。你們有這麼閒嗎？如妳對任何同學的 “公德心” 或 “生活習慣” 有什麼意見，妳先好好反省妳自己的習慣。別覺得妳的是完美的，住宿舍會遇到各式各樣的同學，每個人都有個人生活習慣，妳介意別人的，說不定別人也介意你的。如果是提醒大家說洗衣籃要記得擺在洗衣機旁邊類似的，當然是合理的。但小事情妳都無法忍受，例如在走廊講電話太大聲等等，這可以好好講，一定要公佈到板上罵人嗎？有任何效率嗎？ 妳有任何意見，妳就好好有耐心講，要有禮貌：有禮貌什麼都可以講。但別覺得妳打兇兇的文章公佈給大家看人家就會聽妳的：妳只不過把妳暴怒顯示出來給全世界看，引起唯一的注意就是妳是個很愛把注意轉移到自己身上的人。PTT 不是妳的部落格。不要把妳自己的暴怒擺在一個公開板讓全世界知道妳有多麼的 !!!生氣!!! seriously, if you're going to be rude about it, no one cares. 妳爸媽是怎麼教妳的？妳想要什麼，周圍的人都應該停止配合妳嗎？簡直是嚴重公主病。

妳自己反省自己的習慣，再來介意別人的。如果周圍的人願意忍受妳的習慣，妳也該好好想一想，妳要不要回報人家的耐心？別的同學，除非有直接影響到妳，妳沒有全力管，而且也不夠格去批評她們。別人歡樂在房間可以輕輕敲個門請安靜。一樣，有禮貌什麼都可以說，我們也會很配合。但別覺得在你們最吵鬧的晚上我們不敲你們門代表我們不介意。我們願意忍受，不然去別的地方讀書類似的。妳願意嗎？想一想。

Nobody's perfect. And that includes you.

Also, to someone else:

Can you stop with the whole "You're always ignoring me!" business? I'm really tired of you tapping my shoulder out of nowhere and me looking up, seeing you, and about to say hello -- only to have you say "Why do you ignore me all the time? I know you saw me." What the heck is that supposed to mean? What if I didn't? Sometimes you catch me at a bad time when I'm talking with someone else or am busy with something or someone. I can't help but ignore you, not on purpose, to take care of what's at hand first. I'm not going to drop everything so I can speak to you unless you have something pressing to tell me. I apologized to you for this once, because both times you said hello to me both happened to be times when people were trying to get my attention for a pressing matter. I'd love to chat with you, if that's what you desire, but when I'm not caught in the middle of something. It's common courtesy, isn't it, to say hello, and I do, when I see you. What do you want, a profound, deep conversation every time I see you on a street corner? If this is going to happen every time, I really will ignore you next time, because it saves me a world of trouble to have you come up to me instead so I can end the conversation quickly. If you're joking, it's not funny. You ruined my morning with that comment in the hall today, I'm sick of accusations that are not mine. And honestly, I never have any conflict at anyone here; we get along so well. I don't want you to be the one I can't get along with. Can you stop? I'm quite annoyed with your behavior recently.