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Photo by Peter Jiang

It could be the spring season, the nice weather, or just the right time, right place. Lately, my friends have been pairing up left and right. Couples have been sprouting out of LS like newly-watered daisies on a spring day. It's a nice thing to see, love all around. The feeling of having your other half, your sun on a rainy day, by your side, is one of the most beautiful things humanity offers us.

The other day at LS night's celebration dinner, everyone toasted 張宏安 and 江卓安 after he confessed his feelings in front of all 80+ people, with a bouquet of cauliflower wrapped in cellophane. I remember freshmen toasting over me, and spilling beer on my coat sleeves, which, by the way, I still don't drink. Everyone laughed, and said, "Karen, this means you're next!"

My philosophy on relationships, after two unsuccessful and immature ones in high school, is that I can't take care of another person, unless I first learn how to take care of myself. My friends laugh and tell me not to look so far ahead. But how can I love you and support you in your time of need, if I don't first learn how to love myself, and make myself worthy of your care when I need your support? A relationship is a love story, but all love stories have endings, which most people joke is marriage. What if one day we do? Love stories end quickly, and if I don't prepare myself now, I'll never be ready, not ever.

I dislike spam "lists" of things a perfect Prince Charming must have. They must kiss you on the forehead when you're sad. They must let you win fights. They must have nice eyes, nice legs, nice shoulders. Nine-packs, I don't even know. Ridiculous, all around. That's not how a love story works. It requires mutual respect on both ends, not a guy laying his coat across a puddle so you don't get your stilettos wet. Love is not supposed to be easy.

It's a really complicated, rather contradictory feeling. I can't say my heart doesn't twinge a little at the sight of my good friends together, and seeing how happy they are, I can't help but yearn for that feeling, too. But I can't move because my time isn't here yet. I know I have to wait, and do what I'm supposed to do before that time comes; the three things most important to a student, or maybe just to me: get good grades, lose weight, and learn how to become a healthier, happier, self-sufficient person. It's amazing how much willpower I make myself out to have, the way I worded the previous few sentences, but ironic, how those three things require the willpower that I do not have.

Willpower is a strong thing. And it's worth more than anything, more than regret, than pleasure, than courage.

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Is this supposed to be normal? To lose contact with you guys as soon as high school ends?

The majority of the drift comes from the fact that we are on two completely different continents, let alone the fact that I spend probably less than 5% of every day speaking English, and the cultural differences floating across the Pacific Ocean that so divides us.

I haven't spoken to my best friend since I came back to Taiwan. I still remember getting back to my dorm, dropping my luggage, running downstairs to get breakfast, then biking straight to 漁房 to practice Hoot. I didn't get back until 11 PM that night.

I still remember the sad look my dad gave me when I told him I hadn't spoken to Elizabeth in weeks. He looked genuinely concerned. He asked if I wanted to use long-distance Skype to contact her. I said no, it was fine. Because he knew how much Elizabeth means to me, how close we were in high school, and how we used to spend long hours talking to one another. But how can I let her go, just like that? It's not fair to her, it's not fair at all.

What is wrong with me? The friends I loved so much in high school ... I don't think I know you anymore, because I haven't made any real efforts to keep in contact with you guys. The things I find funny, the jokes I have with my classmates... they're not jokes I can explain to anyone, because they only make sense in Chinese. And if a happy thing can't be shared, what good is it? I spend so much time with my classmates in class, and upon the activities within our major, I am finding that I hardly have time for my family, either. I haven't even really spoken to my mother since I came back. The "no time" excuse is the oldest trick in the book, but how can I have not have a single minute to do the one thing I promised everyone I would do in college: keep in touch?

I've broken so many of my promises. I hardly have the time to think about the letters my friends write me, and all the sweet and wonderful things they say inside. Kasey, if you see this, I loved the valentine you sent me. I almost cried reading the entire thing. I started a response to you, but I couldn't finish it ... and now, I think I have to start over again.

When I visited Berkeley to see Elizabeth during my winter break, I walked past the dorm room of one of my very good friends in high school. But because of our differences, and the fight we had before I left, I didn't call her, and she didn't contact me either. I knew she knew I was back home. Even more, she knew I was visiting Berkeley that day. But I walked straight past her room, and didn't even stop to say hello. It hurt. It did, and I admit my steps slowed when I walked away from that door. But I kept walking.

I cannot bring myself to say that I could go on living without the friendships of my past. You all taught me more about how to survive in my future and to live in my present, that I cannot take credit for any of the things I have done today without crediting you first. And even though college is all about meeting new people and gaining new insight, which is exactly what has happened to me, on a stroke of luck—you all were valuable to me, and still are.

University life has so consumed me that I rarely ever think about anything that's going on beyond the borders of the campus. But as a result, I've thrown away so many of the friendships I cherish ... and is it too late for me to fix them?

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放開 放手 別矜持了 我明天不管觀眾是誰 我一樣會盡力放開 反正不管我多麼的不舒服 多麼對我自己沒信心 現在已經不重要了 明天要表演就要表現好 羞赧算什麼 不要這樣了！我心裡對自己沒信心 其實到最後沒有人會知道的！上台表演就要動作大 我明天一定要成功！

大家加油，你們可以的！我要放，我要放！ ©