143

Lately, life has been uncontrollable. I need to teach myself that being chronically sleep-deprived, sleeping at no earlier than three AM every night, and getting up at any time between 5:30 AM and 9:00 AM each morning, is not, unfortunately, a sign of strength, but a lack of time management. Life. My life is consumed by college activities, and it frightens me, how little I speak with my family, how I don't write back to my high school friends who send me letters, how I hardly see my extended family anymore, how much time I spend doing what and what, how I just ... can't do anything, except worry, except do all the things I think I want to do, except I can't always handle them all equally well. I am expected to do so much from so many different people, but only because I agreed to, in the beginning. I have no right to complain, but the pressure I receive from all directions is literally going to kill me one day. I can feel myself wearing so thin, I can't even see myself anymore. I don't even make sense. This post is not supposed to make sense.

142

Putting this here for now, updating it starting tomorrow.


(meme) 10 days of honesty

Day one: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day two: Nine things about your self.
Day three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day seven: Four turn offs.
Day eight: Three turn ons.
Day nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day ten: One confession.

141

too ashamed right now to do anything besides stare blankly at my lab textbook and the computer and my messy desk, then at the camera that I was supposed to put to good use today. why? how could I forget? why do I always do this? why.

140

I feel like with every breath and every smile, every diversion of the eye, I am taking you in. Your smile, your subtle, barely distinguishable face of happiness, your cool and collected nonchalance towards things you deeply care about. Your eyes, and the way they look, the way they perceive the world. Your arms, your strong hands, your posture. The more I see you, the more I absorb your figure, your appearance, your demeanor. I feel like you are like me, in more ways than one. Unafraid to take on the world, accepting every challenge that comes your way, independent and somewhat stubborn, not willing to have someone pull you back from your full potential. I wonder what you're like, beneath that skin that seems to strengthen itself with every move you make. I wonder if there is something about you that weakens you, even when you appear most strong. I wonder what it feels like to be you. I wish I knew you. I wish I could. And I do want to, so, so terribly. But you don't know, you don't know. I used to be relieved that you didn't. But I wish you did, now.

139

This song is so lovely. Ellie Goulding is amazing. I wish I discovered this album earlier. Lights is so, so, so so good. Her voice is gentle, soft, practically communicates lyrics, rather than speaking them. I've never been so smitten with someone I discovered randomly online, and not through recommendation. This song communicates an especial message for me. Thank you, thank you, for pulling me out of the mire that is k-pop. This is so breaktaking.

The Writer - Ellie Goulding

You wait for a silence
I wait for a word
Lying next to your frame
Girl unobserved
You change your position
You're changing me
Casting these shadows
Where they shouldn't be

We're interrupted
By the heat of the sun
Trying to prevent
What's already begun
You're just a body
I can smell your skin
And when I feel it
You're wearing thin

But I've got a plan
Why don't you be the artist
And make me out of clay?
Why don't you be the writer
Decide the words I say?
Cause I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there at the end
Only it's too hard to ask
Won't you try to help me?

Sat on your sofa
It's all broken springs
This isn't the place for
Those violin strings
I try out a smile
And I aim it at you
You must have missed it
You always do

But I've got a plan
Why don't you be the artist
And make me out of clay?
Why don't you be the writer
Decide the words I say?
Cause I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there at the end
Only it's too hard to ask
Won't you try to help me?

138

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face. I woke up happy, though feeling soft and limp all over. I felt blissfully content, but it was a reserved kind of content. I felt wonderful. I know perfectly well why I feel this way, but I'm too embarrassed to explain what it is. I have to pull myself back down to earth. I haven't woken up to this feeling in almost two years, and it makes me so happy that it's finally back.

137

花男，讚哥和我今天在麥當勞吃宵夜
吃東西時
我說，欸，我們三個經理之間，有兩個已有男朋友了⋯ （紀文敏和夏心怡）
花男就說 那雙雙妳就加油咯 以後交了男朋友需要先經過男排得批准才可以喔
... XD
“可以往哪邊發展呢⋯ 系籃？系排已幾乎沒有了啊”
花男：“老大？”
我：“老大是流氓型欸”
花男：“如果你跟我說你喜歡老大，我會說妳瘋了。” 《 －這句！！！超表 超好笑 XD

結果我們坐在那 花男很認真在幫我想幫我找對象 哈哈
他問我會不會考慮學弟 我說不會 他說其實差一歲真的沒什麼差別⋯⋯
是真的啦 但為什麼覺得完全沒有安全感
我條件好多喔 系排幾乎都沒有了⋯ （抱頭）
往外系發展的意思嗎？還是聯誼 XD

(I am hoping none of my classmates/Taiwanese friends see this, because I would be thoroughly embarrassed～)

136

I don't want to study for 台維 ⋯ 考古題 is giving me a bad headache, and I'm not looking at anything except my moleskine planner right now. I even color-coded my schedule to some extent, the end of April and the beginning of May are not looking pretty, at all :(

hmm, well. weekend looks like this:

( 03/23 ) Saturday » 送爸爸去桃園國際機場 » 9:10 回台大 國文小考 » 男排比賽 ( 照相, 記錄 ) 10:30 B隊 vs. 公衛，場A 14:30 A隊 vs. 西格馬A 場A 16:30 A隊 vs. 第一企鵝 場B » 18:30 舊體打普累 ( 03/24 ) Sunday » 隊服營 10:00 @ 4c 教室 » 男排比賽 ( 照相, 記錄 ) 13:30 B隊 vs. 第二企鵝，場B 15:30 B隊 vs. 農經 場A » 晚上：系羽隊聚 @ Bongos

135

已經不知如何面對
一幅沒有我的鏡子
想要尋找 想要冒險
但我老早落地了 我翅膀 被你偷走了
一隻無翅膀 無聲 的鳥

回來 回來 回來
我該如何說服你
不要走

134

I am not liking this rain ; ︵ ; it comes in torrents, at some of the most random times... it was so sunny for the past week, I thought summer was going to be here to stay, but now it's raining and it's cold, which is a big disappointment for April! it started raining, hard, right before we were going to practice kills... that was really disappointing qq :( I came back to my dorm completely soaked and cold after we all went out for lunch together, but it also gave me a good excuse to take shower #2, which definitely felt good :P

anyway, midterms are coming up, but I don't really want to write about them... they're good at ruining the entire mood of a conversation. 衝啊衝啊! those aside, I've been really happy lately, for various reasons :) and midterms probably aren't going to change that, hopefully not!

133

todayyy.

• lab midterm in the morning. we finished at 11:30 this time! I ran back to 漁房 to get my volleyball shoes and change. 妞妞 told me I was going up first because she hurt her knee :(
  
• volleyball game! two kills, two points: two failed kills, two points for ntuba. cancels out in the end, haha ;口; I was too nervous today, but I'm still so happy I got to play.
  
• it was so hot today; I felt like 我有點中暑, so I went back to my dorm and slept ... accidentally, for four hours －ᄉ－
• I woke up just in time to go to the Normandy speech with Cathie and Peter, who tagged along in the end.
  
• it felt really good to wear a dress today :) 今天有三四個人說 “雙雙妳為什麼今天穿得這麼可愛！” and that's why I like to dress up every now and then. not to mention it was ideal clothing for the weather...
• in-class essay tomorrow, 喔不...
  

132

Today, while waiting by the tables on the seventh floor, 陳怡靜 and I were talking and I couldn't stop trying to escape. I didn't want to stay. I wanted to leave, I felt so stupid and embarrassed and uncomfortable. But she held me back, and told me to stay.

At a lull in our conversation, I looked down at my hands. And she said...

"雙雙 其實 妳真的很漂亮。"

She took my face in both her hands and looked straight into my eyes. "Yes. Yes. You are," she said.

---

This post is, of course, not meant to be narcissistic. But I've never, not in the history of what I remember, have had anyone tell me that to my eyes, to my face, in such a sincere manner. My parents haven't even said the same thing to me. My parents told me I wasn't bad-looking. But not once has anyone told me I am 漂亮 to my face and meant it with more than the words. The times I dressed up for prom and looked like a doll for a night don't count. It was as if she was looking past the browned skin from the Taiwanese sun, past the small pimples that won't go away on my forehead, past the messy hair that was getting in my eyes, and looking at me and telling me I was pretty.

Of course, this doesn't mean I have self-esteem issues. I don't think anyone would believe that story, the way I behave around my friends, my classmates, my teachers. But I've never considered myself pretty. It's a luxury to be pretty, and it's not one that I am entitled to enjoy.

I've never had someone say that to me before. And I think about how lucky, how so incredibly lucky I am to have someone like 陳怡靜 look after me. To be there for me when I most need it. To give me the strength to believe that I am as beautiful as I want myself to be. To love myself, and to give me courage in the times when I am most weak.

陳怡靜 妳才是最漂亮的。

131

謝謝你

你有可能不知道 我給你禮物之前 有多麼的緊張
今天李奇展走進漁房 我有問他 你有沒有辦法幫我轉達一樣東西
他叫我自己去 那時我就覺得 不行 不可以沒有勇氣 一定要當面自己給
結果
是陳怡靜牽著我的手進電梯上七樓
是陳怡靜走進實驗室 幫我問你人在不在
是陳怡靜拉著我 不讓我逃 叫我坐下等你回來
如果沒人陪著我去 我或許永遠都沒膽子給你禮物

對不起我晚給你了！但希望你喜歡
生日快樂 要開心喔 :)

130

Mixed doubles for 台大盃 with 亙! I actually had two guys who wanted to ask me to be their partner (not unlike prom for a few girls in high school...) and both did, at the exact same time and place x__x

"台大盃快到了。"

"噢... (thinking: fudge, what am I going to do)..... (轉身) 欸亙! 我問你噢台大盃你有 partner 嗎?”

“沒有啊，我不是有問過你嗎？你想打嗎？”

“嗯嗯好啊！”

“........ 什麼啦，我本來要找她的！"

“啊可是這樣慧詩怎麼辦呢？不然妳可以跟慧詩打不是嗎。”

“不然你跟慧詩打，我跟她打! （笑）”

Er... I shuddered a little and 默默的 shuffled away quickly to put on my sweatpants, HAHA ; ᑎ ; qq I shuffled out of 舊體 pretty quickly after that. I caught 亙 at the door and was going to talk to him, but I changed my mind at the last minute. I'm already playing 大師盃 with 好魚 (something I rather regret promising; I'm not looking forward to getting slaughtered on the first day and come home 句點ing) and I haven't played with 亙 ever. When I play with 亙 we play mixed-style because he can cover the entire court, but when I play with 好魚, he requires me to play doubles-style. When I play mixed for fun, I usually offer to run doubles footwork because I can, and because I want to ease up on the guy's covered area, but when it becomes something that's taken for granted, I just ... ;ᅀ; meh! 亙 also has great 默契 on the court and keeps my mood up in the air no matter how he's doing in the match. Conclusion: I want to play with 亙 dangit! It's not every day you have such a strong partner ask you this kind of question qq

Anyway, I told 好魚 that 亙 had originally asked me first, and I had already made up my mind to play with him, and he was kind of disappointed :(

129

In between the noiseless city and the lights that never dim I am not supposed to think of you. But in twenty years this place will be as much a part of me as you ever were. So as I listen to the piano sonatas that I once could memorize, to the books I once loved to read, I wonder if I have lost my passion for things that I used to find such joy in doing; I wonder if I have lost the ability to love.

128

I walked in and didn't dare look for you. I grabbed the head of one of my classmates, and heard cries of "Hey, you're here!" "Hey! Where are you going to sit?" and I smiled and said hello. And then I saw you. You were sitting in the corner, near the edge of the round table, if it can be said so. I didn't make eye contact with you, but I saw you looking at me. From my hello, to "Where's my seat? That's alright, I'll go fetch another stool." you looked at me, in my direction. And all of a sudden, I didn't regret running my legs off to get on the MRT back to my dormitory, didn't regret the big fall I took on the elevator when dashing too fast up it, didn't regret Peter's joke that I wouldn't make it there until eight (which I beat, for the record), didn't regret the five-minute shower I took with another close fall on the slippery floor. I didn't regret a thing, because I dressed my best and felt my best, and with every smile, every laugh, I could feel my face, and with it my heart, growing warmer. Because who ever knew, how your eyes can make a girl feel like she's a princess?

127

Two-way hug. I loosen my hold and am about to let go, but you hug me tighter.

What a load of mushy oatmeal! (崩潰)

What can I say. I used to know that feeling, too. It's fleeting, but it lingers. Unconscious smiles, unnecessary fidgeting, it makes you a little pile of girly goo. But I haven't met a girl yet who wouldn't tell you it feels wonderful.

126

Not going home is not going to be the right decision in the end, and I know it. In a way, I feel tied down by all the obligations I have, but I'm scared that I have another reason not to return to San Jose. Perhaps this is what a home-identity crisis feels like, not knowing where you belong, not knowing which place to call home, not knowing which place is more worthy of your attention.

I don't regret taking on the responsibilities I have: treasurer/second chairman of 2011 freshman orientation, small-group counselor of life science camp, and unofficial tour guide to my brother and his friends when he comes here for AID this summer. They're my pride, my joy, my happiness. But I am afraid, I am so afraid. Afraid that if I keep this pace up, there's probably no way I'll go home in the summertime, not ever. It's not right. I can't do this to myself.

125

http://coronate.tumblr.com

124

吼。
我已經沒什麼耐心理你們了
大家說 妳需要什麼才來找我是很正常的事 這是文化差異嗎 我覺得一點都不正常 我覺得是無情 不把妳朋友的感受放在眼裡 拋下關心妳的人不管 對你來說是很自然的事嗎？希望妳這樣會開心喔 以後不開心我們可不耍你們了

女排比會計當天我在實驗室裡跑到妳顯微鏡前面說 我們今天要比賽 妳做好了嗎？大家都如此的興奮 妳卻不理我 結果妳到了球場 排球鞋沒穿 護膝沒帶 什麼都沒準備好 我看到妳就很生氣 竟然遲到成這種樣子 還有面子對場上的學姊說話嗎？

最近不只這件事情 其實很多 懶得寫下來 because you're not even worth my time.

我不管了 大家說我比較直接 不想台灣人會比較靦腆 下次你們決定參加我們團體活動如果閃成這種樣子我有可能會無法忍耐直接罵出來了 人家不敢罵我敢 而且我也不會有意思道歉 除非你們想先主動跟大家說對不起 真是夠了

123

The little things that whiz through your mind in the last few minutes before sleep consumes you are not very little at all. For me, they've always been a whirlwind that torpedoes at top-speed across my brain, as the sheep trying to get me to sleep realize that their little fence in the little green meadow has been spun away by said tornado. Nothing is so little in my mind.

After high school I stopped talking about this, because I remember how sick love can make you, and how experience can teach you, it's not wise to rush into any sound relationship without first setting your boundaries and knowing what you want. I sound like such a little girl when I talk about love, but I would be lying through my teeth if I said I don't think about this often. One of my classmates told me that a 學長, while describing me, said he believed I wouldn't end up with someone my own age, because I'm more 成熟, and am more likely to end up with a 學長. And since then I've been re-evaluating myself.

I lay in bed every night, and the last thing that torpedoes through my mind is always this. I stare at the ceiling and clutch the covers, sometimes with my iPod linked to my ears as music flows through my earbuds. And I always wonder, why? Of all the things in the world, why is it that this is what I want most? To be loved, to be married only once, to a person to whom I will give not only my heart, but my life; to have children and raise them to be honorable members of society, to grow old, older with him, to spend the rest of my life committed to one person in all that I do.

This is my 幸福. But why do I dream of things that are so far away?

None of my posts make sense anymore.