165

Rant begins.

Facebook messaging one another is not "getting along better." Ditching a person who waited a month for you is not "getting along better." Not calling me when you promised to come see me is not "getting along better." What galaxy are YOU living in? If this means "getting along better," then what is fighting? God, woman. Sometimes I can't stand you. In fact, now that I look back at all the times we spent together, I get why I always got annoyed at you. Because I'm not one to resist my annoyance when I feel it surfacing. I let it out when I need to, instead of bottling it inside. And now I get why others are annoyed at you for the same reasons. It's not always my fault, you know. You always made it sound like it was, maybe because you couldn't see what you did wrong. But just because you can't see it, doesn't mean I can't. And what I see is that you don't give a flying mackerel about me until I become angry at you for being so callous. Then you turn around and look, and suddenly, you care. I'm not asking for a declaration of love at any given time of the day, but show the world that you have a decent amount of consideration in your body to give it to another living human being besides your own self.

End rant.

164

男排 summer training

當我們說「那些年的夏天」，你會想到這些時光嗎？在舊體外玩躲避球，帶著微笑到處奔跑。一個一個照片留下來當作很久以後的好回憶，可以嗎？我們的時光不要這麼快就結束。手握著相機的鏡頭，躲在你們後面幫你們拍照，留下一個畫面，一定要記下來。

緊緊抱著你。

163

Occasionally, late at night, I click around the various blogs of my friends and I realize how infrequently I take photos for fun. But how can I do that when it's 12:20 AM at night and I'm stuck at home? Take photos around my room, of course.

Below are four photographs of things that carry a lot of meaning for me.

Closeups are a lot of fun, because they leave the viewer guessing.
There are three out of four that need no explanation.

162

I enjoy:

· Spending summer nights with you (guys).
· When 若晞 asked us to gather in a circle to clap and cheer this evening, he asked everyone to thank 花男 and 經理 (which is me), but 花男 stopped him and said "I don't think we need to thank our manager anymore... I think she's already one of our teammates."
· Laying down on our stomachs, head in hands, in a circle, to cycle and talk together after practices every day, looking at all the stars in the night sky as we sit together on the dark volleyball courts.
· Being a part of this happy family, a family that will always occupy a small corner of my heart.

Summer love at its finest—sharing it with people you treasure in the heat of the day and the cool of the night, everlasting and as intangible as the occasional, precious breeze in Taipei's heated summer weather.

Mmm, I remember something 雅盺 told me a few days ago... "When he leaves for America in a few weeks, I don't think 男排 will be the same again."

That thought hit me straight in the face—that the person I will miss the most from these happy summer nights is actually leaving for a place I call home but that sounds so foreign and cold to me now. As much as I don't want to admit it, I am quickly running out of time to do what I need to do. I wish I didn't have to come to the realization that you will not come back for a long time. There is so much I love about this team, and I wish our story didn't have to end so soon. A story that I keep secret from all other eyes except my own, a story that I will continue to commit to paper and pencil even as the clock ticks the hours, the minutes, the seconds, away. A story for which I cannot bear to write an ending. A story that is written in pencil, and not pen, because in the words resides another treasure that can be erased and re-written with time.

161

Sometimes I wish I had the power to control how much power my emotions have over my behavior.

What a complicated sentence. But I think it's a rather simple concept.

Recently, I was sitting in an air-conditioned room on a very hot day, tapping away on my Macbook. It was a nice, optimal temperature for a room, and I was feeling quite comfortable. But gradually, I realized my entire body was getting warmer, and pretty soon, I felt hot, in a 26-degree Celsius room. How could that be possible? I couldn't understand why, and then I felt my fingers becoming weaker, and I started feeling tired.

I'm not sick and I don't have panic attacks. After a while, I realized why I was feeling hot and 軟啪啪 all over. My thoughts were trailing over to a place which I normally dislike exploring in detail, and they were controlling how I physically felt, as well as taking over my mental systems.

I envy people who have the power to detach themselves from their emotions and continue their day-to-day tasks. Sometimes, I'll feel so down that I find myself sitting in front of the computer unable to move, unable to smile, unable to do anything except sit quietly and wonder. Sometimes I loathe wondering, because I have grown to loathe the term "what if."

There is so much I dislike about the typical teenage train of thought, but I find that it is difficult for me to detach myself from said thoughts. I'm like a person I dislike, and I don't know how to fix it. I do know how, but how?

You don't have to understand what I'm trying to say. I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

160

Hello friends! It is currently 2:02 AM Taipei time, and I'm finally home after a lengthy trip to Taichung and Yunlin. I figured I would write this post as I wait for my hair to dry so I can sleep, even though it's awfully late and I plan to be up early tomorrow morning... our apartment is so small that I'm scared to use the hairdryer when everyone's asleep, but sometimes it's hard to avoid. Descriptions aren't going to be very long, because it's still rather late at night.

This morning my parents and I got up at seven and left the house around eight and set off for Taizhong. We got there around eleven, and boy, Taizhong hasn't changed much since the last time I was there.

We waited on a street corner for 培淳 to come and pick us up. Come to think of it, I forgot to take a picture of it, but you notice that building composed of blue blocks in the upper right hand corner? My parents pointed out how ugly it looked when we were standing in the shade waiting to be picked up. I thought it was innovative, but art is so different to different eyes. 

Anyway, 培淳 picked us up and we went to Dad's friend's house for a visit. When we got there, there were workers trimming the trees outside. Dad's friend was waiting outside for us, and he immediately showed me this, and it gave me a good scare: 

Can't tell what they are? 

That's right... baby birds. The workers must have disturbed them when they were trimming the trees, but they managed to save the nest. Dad's friend said that the mother usually won't come back if her nest is disturbed, which is deeply saddening. He asked me if I wanted them, and for a few minutes I was seriously considering taking them home to Taipei to take care of them. As I picked up the nest, two of them craned their necks upwards with open mouths, as if waiting for food to be dropped in. Their skin is so thin and so fragile; I could observe their veins moving up and down as they breathed. I did really want to take care of them, but I had no idea how I'd possibly get them back to Taipei, and how I could find the time to take care of them regularly. In the end, we left the nest at the 警衛 station and went in the house. We had Thai cuisine for lunch (really good!). 

阿姨 offered me a 芭蕉 when we got back to the house. Looks like a banana, but it's not. It's sweeter, tangier, and Q'er than a banana, and tastes better, in my opinion!

Anyway, after the 芭蕉 was nice and finished, 培淳 drove us down to Yunlin. It took about an hour to get down there, and I had a nice nap on the way. The school took a while to find, though...

My brother's school is, quite literally, in the middle of a field, in the middle of nowhere. The entire school, which only houses a number shy of 70 students, consists of one two-story building and the track field. One upside was the extremely cool and comfortable weather, which, according to the principal, was a result of a recent rainfall.

Anyway, Kalvin showed us around the school, and I met his teaching partners. They were nice, for the most part, but I only had a few minutes with them and my first impressions were all correct, according to my brother, when I took him aside for a chat when my parents were talking with the principal. Oh, well. All I really care about is the fact that he's having fun... and that's all that matters! 

What a day. I give up on my hair... I'm going to blow-dry it and go to bed. Goodnight! 

159

生科營第二個晚會 宛螢學姊有唱這首歌 我覺得宛螢唱得比原唱好聽唷 ：）

休息是為了走更長的路
你就是我的旅途
都是因為你 我一直漫步

想要跟你一起走到最後
但我遺失了地圖
誰給誰束縛 誰比誰辛苦
愛到深處才會領悟

好的事情 最後雖然結束
感動十分 就有十分滿足
謝謝你 是你陪我走過那些路
痛 是以後無法再給你幸福

好的事情 也許能夠重複
感動時分 就算紛紛模糊
不要哭 至少你和我記得很清楚
愛 是為彼此祝福

想要跟你一起走到最後
但我遺失了地圖
誰給誰束縛 誰比誰辛苦
愛到深處才會領悟

好的事情 最後雖然結束
感動十分 就有十分滿足
謝謝你 是你陪我走過那些路
痛 是以後無法再給你幸福

好的事情 也許能夠重複
感動時分 就算紛紛模糊
不要哭 至少你和我記得很清楚
愛 是為彼此祝福

不要哭 至少你和我記得很清楚
愛 是為彼此祝福

158

Ahh, the summer time. When the living is easy, the mosquitoes dine, and we spend ninety percent of every day feeling sticky and hot. But no mind, it's all in good fun.

Tomorrow I leave for Yunlin (雲林) and Taizhong (台中); the former to visit my brother at his school, and the latter to visit friends of my dad. I'll be back in Taipei by tomorrow night. On Thursday I leave for Tainan (台南) with a few of my volleyball girls to visit 雨珊 at home. Taizhong means shopping, and Tainan means good food! What a wonderful way to spend summer. On top of guys' volleyball summer training (we finished ours today!), I can't wait for these next two weeks! Bring it on.

157

See, the thing is, if I didn't have volleyball 暑訓 this week, this post would be about 花蓮 and about all the good things I ate and the places I went to and how I watched the guys get drunk at night and play 麻將 and all those good, happy things. But I have 暑訓 and I didn't go to 花蓮 as a result. So, instead, this post is about 暑訓, or at least part of it. Today's only the first day, after all!

I'm really glad I decided not to go to badminton's 暑訓, because I think I would have stopped breathing on the train before we reached 台南, I'd be so exhausted after 生科營 just ended. I'm so glad I decided to stay at 台大 instead. Whew.

Anyway. I guess this should be my master post. Might as well be. Never mind... just day one!

♫

07-11-2011 / DAY 1 / 第一天

- 中心往前 (重要)，用身體送球，不要翹屁股
- 手要擺平，不然球會送歪
- 發球時候打球屁股，但不要打太上下，用靠近拇指的手掌部份去碰球
- 攻擊：二號要快快快快快打! 早點碰到球早點把它給壓下去，記得跑腳步不要噸住，起跳快一點，手再揮快一點，會比較有威力性
- 攔網報到：滯空力超糟糕！背後那條要多拉多去利用
- 腳步報到：是鞋子太滑了還是腳步真的這樣就退步了?

156

The obligatory life science camp photo post. I'm kind of lazy to add captions or even add more than five photographs, and even more lazy to try and write out some kind of 心得文, especially because, in short, I didn't enjoy the week I spent as a counselor. It was tiring beyond belief, and the energy I put in wasn't worth it in the end. I thought maybe I was being stupid for crying on the second day, but at the end my feelings hadn't changed. I gave up going home this summer for two weeks of energy-sapping, fruitless work. I think the only thing that was really worth it in the end was the fact that we sent the kids home happy and with good memories nestled in the corners of their minds. And maybe, that's enough.

明年再來一次

155

晚上沈思一下

For the nineteen years I have lived, I have had the fortune of keeping the people I love close by. I think you might be the first person who is going to leave me, and leave so soon. You are going to a place that I call home, but you will stand on the opposite shore. Maybe you will forever stand on that shore, in a place where I cannot reach nor find you. For a long time I have kept you locked in my heart, with a key I swallowed, when I realized that your likeness was in danger of becoming a dream. I unlocked the chamber from time to time, to steal a look at you from behind the trees, or to smile at you, and hear your laughter. But most of the time I never dare to unlock it. I have too much to risk, and not enough to give. 

I have been urged to release you from the chamber that binds you, but I cannot do that. You are too important for me to lose memory of you, and yet, distant enough so that I can keep you inside without feeling unhappy. There is so much I want to say, but I don't have the courage to say any of it. The reason I want to grow up is because of you. There is so much I want to know. And most of all, there are so many reasons why I wish you won't leave me. 

154

I don't know why I'm posting this at 1:25 AM on a Sunday night the day before 生科營 starts, but what I've started typing, I might as well finish.

I had a discussion about this on the bus on the way home with 胡仁恩 yesterday. It got to the point where people sitting next to us began eavesdropping on the conversation and when I reached my stop, he got off with me because he didn't want to guess what was going to happen if he sat alone for the rest of the way home. It's by nature a very touchy topic, so I'm only going to reflect on one aspect of what we talked about, and leave the rest for another day; taking into consideration the fact that I have a long week ahead of me, starting tomorrow.

Anyway.

I don't understand why people say "This is what God has planned for me." 


"I didn't get into my first choice... but that's okay, God has a plan for me, and I know I'm doing what He wants for me, and He will always take care of me." 

During college acceptances/rejections season, I saw these kinds of Tumblr and Facebook posts everywhere, and I didn't know what to think at first. I'm not a Christian; I wasn't raised in a religious family, and have had very little experience with a church environment. I consider myself agnostic, and at times, an atheist. But after a while, the whole "He has a plan for me" deal started to bother me.

Granted, my understanding of this "God" figure is not as full or as complete as many of my fellow Christian friends and classmates, but I honestly believe that such a statement isn't a demonstration of your faith; it's instead using your faith to run away from a fact that you refuse to face. Just because God has a plan for you doesn't mean that your fate is predestined to run along the same string, the same tune and the same note, for the entirety of your life. Do Christians believe that they cannot change the path that God has planned for them? Or do my classmates simply enjoy using the fact that they have a God in their life, to justify their failure to meet the goals they have set for themselves?

Idk, just a murmur before I go to bed. This post doesn't really have a 中心... sorry!

153

Alright, confession. I went through the old clothing box at my dorm a few days before I cleared on out. The box is full of clothes that girls on my floor wish to donate or don't want anymore. I know it wasn't the best decision to go rooting through it, but I did it very late at night and very sneakily so. I actually donated something of my own in exchange... so it all evens out!

A catalogue of the things I picked up:

A leather sling. It's roomy, it's soft, it's full of pockets, an absolute must for a person like me, who carries plenty of small items, and I don't understand why anyone would throw it away just because the middle strap that goes around the bag's waist snapped! I love it mostly because there's so much space inside. I can carry a jacket, my tablet, my wallet, cell phone, and camera, and it'll still feel loose atop my shoulder. I love the feeling of roominess, so this bag is an instant winner with me! The broken strap borders a unique fashion statement, and I had no problem tying it up with thread so it wouldn't fall apart, and taking it everywhere. I love it. I have a feeling it won't last very long, but it's alright.

A Super Junior-reminiscent scarf. Chequered and thin and soft, designed not to be rolled around your neck like a winter woolen, but more wrapped artistically, loosely, if you will. I've never owned one of these before and I've always wanted one, but I never went out of my way to purchase one when they were all the rage at Forever 21 and the other vintage-replica clothing stores around the mall. I've never been a big accessories person, but what I can get by chance or by gifts, I love with all my heart. I can't wait to wrap this one around my neck, matched with a white tee and jeans, once autumn starts to roll around and it starts to cool down a bit around here. I have to learn how to tie it first!


I also snagged up a green thigh-length hoodie (it was too soft for me to resist, despite the Chinglish written all over the front!) and a racer-back claret-coloured tank-top (very basic and good to wear at home when I'm doing chores), both of which are not pictured.

Ahh, I couldn't resist! I felt like a homeless person when I went sneaking through the box... but I was careful not to take too much. Still... :)

Okay, I'm off to Keelung tomorrow with my classmates for a 生科營 run-through in the wild, and I have to be at school by 7:45 AM ... eep! Considering it takes me a good 20 ~ 25 minutes to get to school, I can't leave the house too late. Off to shower, charge my camera, stretch my legs, and then to bed I go. I overslept this morning, and I'm determined not to have it happen again. Goodnight all! Kalvin, I can't wait for you to get here!

152

Oops. I haven't updated my blog since the beginning of June, and I'm going to get a measly little (2) under my June archive! Generally, I like to accompany my updates with photos, preferably ones that I take myself.

• I packed up everything in my dorm room and I'm just about ready to go. Four more packages onto my uncle's car and I'll be out of 大一女! All three of my roommates left already, so I came home to stay tonight. When I walked into my room this evening to get the last of the things I was going to carry home by bus, my voice literally bounced off the shelves because it was so empty. :( It feels so 空! 
• I'm spending my summer in Taiwan because I simply can't fit in time to go home in between the school activities I have over summer, and in addition to that, my grandparents aren't doing very well. 
• Lots of things happened this June. 理院盃. My birthday. 系羽送舊. 男排送舊. Finals. June was a whirlwind, but it was the best month I've had all year long, despite being the most stressful and the most tiring. I sat on the edge of insanity for a good two or three weeks, but I was so happy. I wish I wrote down all my feelings and how everything happened... but usually, I write those on my P2 版. 
• My brother comes to Taiwan in less than a week! I can't wait for him to be here, I miss my brother terribly. He's also bringing good things for me from California ... :) 

Anyway, tonight, my cousin made pasta. Vegetarian, but so good! Next time we'll try spicing it up with onions or chicken slices or greens or something like that. I miss my mother's pasta, but tonight's dinner was faintly reminiscent of the homestyle meals she used to cook. I must learn her ways. 

I'd go on, but I'm staring at bags and bags of luggage in my room right now, and I really need to unpack, before I go crazy. Oh, and clean the house, but I think unpacking should come first. Toodles~ 

151

june photography: taipei, taiwan

等待你

150

I find myself wearing this outfit more and more because it's so simple and refreshing to wear! I can throw the dress on when it's moist and sticky outside and I don't know what else to wear, and the cardigan matches well in terms of color. I'm kind of ashamed to say, however, that the two pieces of jewelry are two of only three that I currently own (at least that I have at my dorm), and recently, one of two of my only pair of earrings snapped in half. I've never really been a big accessories person, but once I can spare the money to buy some, they grow on me quite fast, and I grow very attached to the few pieces I own and make do.

Grey-striped dress, Forever 21.
Long coral cardigan, Forever 21.
Solid heart pendant, Forever 21.
Floral-etched bracelet, gift. 

Whew, it thus appears a large majority of my wardrobe consists of Forever 21. That, and more recently, a lot of hand-me-downs from my mother, which aren't really hand-me-downs at all, because they're in excellent condition, and my mother has a very refined sense of style that never fades with the time, so I know I can never go wrong with the clothes she buys for and gives to me.

Have a lovely day! It's a wonderful Friday here, albeit a very humid and sweaty one, and I have Monday off for 端午節, so I anticipate a pretty awesome weekend ahead :)

149

Yangmingshan (陽明山), 05/29/2011

This trip was a lot of fun! It brought me back to the old days when I went hiking with my family, except, this time, I'm all grown up and taking buses and subways by myself (granted, with one of my good friends who planned our route well in advance) and packing myself lunch and doing all the things my mother used to do for me early Saturday or Sunday morning before we left for the mountain! And 陽明山 is a gorgeous mountain. Nature is truly paradise. All photos taken with Panasonic Lumix DMC-FZ18, click to enlarge. 

148

Some late spring cleaning! This blog was originally for documenting my new life in Taiwan, if I remember correctly. I guess I'm kind of tired of making new blogs and moving around so much just because my current one is disorganized... so I'm going to reattempt to re-organize what I post here and clean up my archive!

In other words, in the future, personal posts are going here → http://leeshuang.tumblr.com. I've never really considered Tumblr good enough to be a formal blogging system, so I put photos that I don't take myself, plus little text and quote posts, there.

Everything else: photos I take myself, arts, recipes, reviews, movies → will go here! I need to clean up my tags; but I'll get around to it. I changed my URL, too. I won't delete my old posts, but they're stored neatly away in the archive for future reference.

147

I'm losing my mind. I'm losing a lot of things all at once. Tonight is one of those nights when I just want to lay down and cry. I don't feel well, and I have so many things to do I don't even know where to start. I have things to do that were supposed to be done weeks ago, but I can't even bring myself to pick them up and do them. Why is my 生活作息 so abnormal, so unhealthy, and so unbalanced?

146

Well, I had a terrible week. I had a rough time with two of my good friends, and a lot of hard and unhappy feelings were exchanged. Though both apologized to me in the end, I'm sure there's a lesson for everyone in the argument; no one's ever completely at fault. So, truthfully, I'm sorry, too! 

In addition, it felt like every obligation I currently hold, whether it be the volleyball or badminton teams or the dances I am obligated to learn for the following months or studying or any of my other activities and responsibilities, each took a limb and yanked me in their own direction, as hard as they possibly could, and when my limbs ran out, they took hold of my nose, my mouth, my eyes and pulled even harder. For the first time in my life, I have needed to look at my planner, which used to be a joke to me, to make sure I am free on certain days to do certain things; for the first time I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to accomplish all the things I am obligated to even if I work diligently and get enough sleep and manage my time to its maximum efficiency: and literally, that's how it's been for the past few weeks, not enough time, at all.

I didn't get much sleep this week, and didn't go to several of my classes because I felt quite low. I guess you could say I slept through some of them, but they were not happy slumbers; I was sleeping more to defend myself from my terrible mood and try to rest it up so I could still make it out the rest of the day with a smile.

In the end, it's all about my own choices, the way I plan to manage my time, and how I balance myself under stress and pressure. I have better, higher hopes for next week, even though it means the arrival of the second cell biology midterm and a calculus quiz that I am not prepared for.  Twenty-two units is no walk in the park, and I need to try harder. I have a whole weekend to catch up on sleep, on mood, on all the things I need to do that I've been putting off. I'll put it to good use. :)